Feeling lots and lots of bitterness and anger right now. I tried to talk to Gabe about it and got nothing. I’m so ticked. I feel like we’ve moved beyond nurturing, caring wife to him totally using me. I need him to get off his a$$ and do something. I need him to prove he’s willing to do the hard work of getting better. I am so, so angry right now.
I hate that he’s up in our bed, and I can never go up there anymore. I hate that we’ve had to cancel all our plans. I hate that he makes me drive him everywhere and give him millions of massages and back scratches. I hate this. And I’m very, very angry at him. THIS SUCKS.
Hi there. Happy February! ^Happy Peek-Into-My-Journal-From-a-Year-Ago.^ Happy Little PG-Rated Snippet That’s Just the Tiniest Drop in the Bucket of Marriage Hell that was 2012.
Happy Day One of the Real. Hard. Love. series.
I didn’t mean to start off the series talking about myself, but the gal who was going to share her story first wasn’t quite ready. And since I’m all about flying by pants’ seats, here we go.
Fast-forward through a bunch more journal angst to March 2012:
I’m having a really, really hard time, Lord. A really hard time. And I feel like there’s nowhere I can turn. I’m so tired of this. Gabe is grouchy and moody and mean and I’m so sick of it. I wish I could just get away from it all. He’s making me so angry. He kept me up half the night, and now he gets to sleep, and I don’t, and I am so, so angry.
I can’t handle the girls fighting on top of all this Gabe crap. I’m about ready to fly off the handle. I’m sitting on the couch crying, angry. I want to do something really extreme. Like pile the girls in the car and drive away. I want to make him pay for what he’s doing to me. Lord, I need you.
Did I mention I was angry?
Forgive me if you’re new here and you’re 100% completely lost (thanks for reading all the way to this point–pretty impressive). My husband Gabe had a heart attack on October 29, 2011. At the end of January, 2012, he started having panic attacks. 2012 was one big long battle against anxiety and demons and depression and debt and anger (anger!) and despair. And lots and lots and lots of asking God, “WHERE ARE YOU, AND WHEN THE HELL IS THIS GOING TO BE OVER?!?!”
It still isn’t over. February 1, 2013. Still. Not. Over.
So, I blogged about my right now story at the end of last February. And I told a really cool 2-part story about some healing in April (part 1 & part 2). And it’s been a roller-coaster ever since, and it’s already after midnight, so I can’t possibly link to all of that.
Here’s the thing.
Love is messy. And it’s hard.
Life is messy. And it’s hard.
And one thing this year has taught me? That God can get glory through our messy hard. The kind of glory we can’t give him in the happy easy.
I’m not the same girl I was before all of this happened. Do I want her back? Not for a minute.
Do I like all the stuff I’ve been through?
NO I DO NOT.
Do I understand why it all happened/is still happening?
NO I DO NOT.
And how do I say this without sounding cliche and happy-wrap-up-the-struggle-with-a-bow-and-lesson-to-live-by?
My marriage is stronger. My relationship with God is deeper. My tolerance for pain is higher.
I’ve been sifted and pruned and sharpened, and there’s a whooooole lot of work to go, but I’m ready. Bring it.
There are a lot more layers to my testimony now. I’ve got street cred. I been through somethin’ and came out kickin’.
(I really need to work on my gangsta lingo.)
There’s a whole lot more to the story, and we’ll get to that in time. But let’s talk about you.
What are you going through right now that is REAL HARD?