When you can’t think of any words on your own, steal someone else’s. I was looking for something in an old binder tonight and came across an e-mail I’d received from a fellow teacher on November 8, 1999 and printed out. At the time, I had no children. Four months later I got pregnant with Livi. I remember thinking it was funny then, but now it’s more than funny–it all makes complete and absolute sense.
I’m totally procrastinating. Many other important things to do on this already-late night. Oh, well.
If you’ve read it before, it’s worth reading again. Enjoy! I hereby dedicate this to all of you moms–Jessica, Kristen, Colleen, and Krista in particular.
How To Tell Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children:
1. The Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
2.) The Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
3.) The Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight, and pay for anything they eat or damage.
4.) The Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
5.) The Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Froot Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
6.) The Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up a dozen more and sing these, too, until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
7.) The Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now, remove 10 of the beans.
8.) Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
9.) The Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
I can’t stop laughing. Whoever wrote this is a genius.