stop me if you’ve heard this

When you can’t think of any words on your own, steal someone else’s. I was looking for something in an old binder tonight and came across an e-mail I’d received from a fellow teacher on November 8, 1999 and printed out. At the time, I had no children. Four months later I got pregnant with Livi. I remember thinking it was funny then, but now it’s more than funny–it all makes complete and absolute sense.

I’m totally procrastinating. Many other important things to do on this already-late night. Oh, well.

If you’ve read it before, it’s worth reading again. Enjoy! I hereby dedicate this to all of you moms–Jessica, Kristen, Colleen, and Krista in particular.

How To Tell Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children:

1. The Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

2.) The Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

3.) The Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight, and pay for anything they eat or damage.

4.) The Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

5.) The Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Froot Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

6.) The Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up a dozen more and sing these, too, until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

7.) The Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now, remove 10 of the beans.

8.) Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

9.) The Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

I can’t stop laughing. Whoever wrote this is a genius.

16 thoughts on “stop me if you’ve heard this

  1. luvmynoah

    Loved it!  Saved it to read on a rainy day!  The last one is so true.  I know personally how it feels to have someone with NO kids tell me how to raise mine!  Kinda funny! 

  2. ctorlone

    I’m laughing so hard that I’m crying…my whole desk top is completely spotted with tears…how true how true how true…I gotta keep that list handy!!!  What a riot!!!

  3. angntug

    Try sticking a real easter egg behind the couch…that may have the same effect, lol. I love the octopus…it so reminds me of Tanner at his current age…he hates getting dressed..or changed! Have fun this weekend! Praying for you!

  4. kkakwright

    My personal favorites…..goats at the grocery and attaching a bean bag to your front for 9 months. 

    That is funny.  Moral of this story = you are never really ‘ready’. You do what you feel is best at the time and you just try to survive. 🙂

  5. ClutzyButtercup

    That is hilarious!  I really needed the laugh today and I am getting ready to spread the laughter as well.

    I’m praying for you and Gabe as you travel and as you speak to Tonia’s ladies group…May God be glorified in you and may lives be changed!!!

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