husbands vs. dogs, part 2

If you’re here from Adding Zest, welcome! Everybody else, head on over there for Part 1, or this post won’t make any sense (and you know how firm I am about making sense).

Okay, all caught up? Now, I’m just going to admit, right off the bat, something I know some of you were wondering about. Is the radio station I was listening to the same radio station my husband now works at? Yes it is. Then why, you’re wondering, why in the world didn’t I call him and get their phone number? Well, there’s a perfectly good explanation for that.

I didn’t think of it until it was too late.

Anyway.

While I’m admitting my shortcomings, I might as well go ahead and tell you that I usually have my posts up by midnight the night before, but I wrote the post for Adding Zest a few days ago and couldn’t remember what I’d written. And since I did remember saying that the conversation was going to be continued over here, I thought I’d better brush up on what the conversation was even about. But the Zest Post didn’t go live until sometime in the middle of the night, so here I am, trying to get my children to school, my husband to work, and an enlightening blog post published.

Which would explain why, when my husband asked me 20 seconds ago something breakfast-related, I might have maybe sighed really loud in exasperation and said, “Gabe, please! Can you just figure it out on your own? I’m trying to write a blog post here!” (About being kind to husbands.)

So, here’s the admission part: I’m really good at honoring my husband in public, around others. To my knowledge, it’s been awhile since I’ve bashed him to my girlfriends or on the radio or anything.

However, where I need the work is in my own home, to his face. Especially when I’m tired or grouchy or stressed. I take it out on him. And I let every little thing bother me. And I express my displeasure with eye rolls and deep sighs and sarcasm.

So, when I say I’m disgusted with Husband-Bashers? Maybe I should look at the plank in my own eye first.

So, am I the only one who struggles with being kind to my deserves-better husband? What can we do about this, girls?

16 thoughts on “husbands vs. dogs, part 2

  1. Leah F

    I think that is a struggle for most women. One of the things that helps me the most in remembering it is some of my pre-marital counseling.

    My pastor told us that men and women are different. For men, respect is the greatest need. For women, love is the greatest need. He followed that up with if we, as women, respect our husbands, then it will be easier for him to also meet our need to be loved.

    I like what whimzie said also because it is something that my pastor told my husband and I in our pre-marital counseling. If we chew on our husbands about something, we are chewing on the wrong end because we are not his Head. God is his authority. If we have an issue we are to take it to God and let Him deal with it because He is the only one who can truly change our husband.

    Sorry for the rambling soapbox.

  2. Christy

    First . . . Yeah, I was wondering why you didn’t just call your Hubby. LOL.

    Second . . . At least I know I’m in good company. I do find it very easy to build DH up in front of others but find myself terribly lacking at home. I could have written EXACTLY what you wrote. 🙁 Time for some prayer.

  3. whimzie

    P.S. I think it’s important to add that I usually would say that I excel in not being a public husband basher, but God is convicting me that “just telling my best friend,” especially when I haven’t told God first, is still public husband bashing.

  4. whimzie

    So strange that I read this right after I had to call one of my best friends to apologize for bashing my husband at ballet. (verbally not physically. poor man wasn’t even there to defend himself)

    I forget sometimes that instead of telling on my husband to people who can’t do a thing about it, I should tell God on Him first. He’s the only one who can change my husband if he’s in the wrong. Of course, most of the time He points out the places where I was wrong and am just as much at fault (and many times even more) as my husband.

  5. Stonefox

    This is my problem too! I am pretty protective of my man in public (because we are one, man!); but in private, I can really give him the shaft. I can brush him off or just expect him to handle my insecurities, exhausting, and all that other stuff that bubbles his way.

    How unfair. He is truly a treasure, one of God’s greatest gifts to me and you have challenged me to live in a deeper awareness of that…and to let my words reflect that

  6. Rachelle

    Interesting comments. I like Ali’s thoughts on the idea that women are (immaturely) bashing men in order to make themselves feel more valued. That theory would fit well with the way our society is headed-into narcissistic tendencies (me-ism) and behaviors.

    I’ve been praying and asking God to renew our marriage. We’ll be married 17 years this Saturday and well, honestly sometimes our relationship feels a little dusty and settled-in. It’s so easy for me to see what’s wrong with my husband, you know like a really intense game of “I Spy”. Like most comments here, I never-ever criticize my man in public…but wait till we get home, where my negative and cynical attitudes aren’t kept in check. Revealing the sinful nature that resides inside my heart.

    Oh God, heal our hearts and our hurts and make us whole so that we will bless our husbands, take control of our marriages and make them new and forgive us for not being thankful for the amazing lives with which we have been blessed.

  7. Gail

    One of the best bits of advice I picked up on during a marriage enrichment counseling class that DeWayne (and I) had to take for his MDiv was this: speak well of your husband. In public, let people catch you saying uplifting, honoring things about him. At home, say uplifting and honoring things. When you have a not so uplifting issue to talk about, counter every negative comment with 7 comments about what he does right. As much for your sake as his.

    Do I follow this advice? Not as closely as I should. Sigh. But trying to speak well of him often builds us both up.

  8. Angela

    Yikes! I’m reading this after a huge, awful argument with my husband, where I was anything BUT kind! Guess I’d better go make things right. Thanks for always being honest and challenging us, Marla.

  9. Ali

    This is an area where I’ve grown a lot but still have a lot more growing to do. Imagine that 😉

    But I will say this. I wonder how different this issue would be if we didn’t live in a male-driven society. By no means is this an excuse for the male-bashing. I do wonder, though, are we trying to make-up for the fact that men make more money than women and that men carry the majority of the administrative and management positions (these are generalizations, I totally get that)?

    Are we (women) trying to compensate for what society says we aren’t? In other words, women still aren’t valued the way men are (again, this is a generalization), so we act immaturely by “bashing” men in an attempt to make ourselves feel more valued.

    And for the record, my dog never listens to me. My dear husband, on the other hand, is all ears even when I’m fussin’ or naggin’ . . . bless his heart.

  10. Valerie

    Oh yea….this is something I definitely struggle with. I try so hard to not bad mouth him, be disrespectful, or generally take out any frustration from another area in my life out on him. However…..at times my mouth and attitude towards Mike can be so negative even if it isn’t a deliberate action….and this makes my heart so sad.

    We’ve been through a great deal in our marriage…. the infertility alone is enough to cause damage to a relationship if both aren’t in good standing with God; throw the grief and wide range of emotions that go along with having our eight angel babies and boy….. some days emotions and thoughts are an uphill battle to keep in check.

    Because of our emotions, being distant emotionally at times and my mouth (which sometimes runs before my brain can stop it) our intimate relationship has suffered…and the stress of trying to conceive hasn’t helped us in that arena either. But, being more respectful, patient, and loving towards one another is something we’re both working on.

    I don’t like how society in general does seem to blame the husband (or male figure) in the relationship for most of the failures in relationships…. when sometimes women are at fault also. In my opinion that both parties need to take responsibility for both the positives and negatives that come with a committed relationship.

  11. Denise

    As far as I know, I don’t bash my hubby to my girlfriends…I don’t really have much to bash him in public for.

    I struggle with my attitude towards him at home. I get frustrated and I take out my bad days on him. It’s something that I am not proud of and many times has lead to hurt feelings (on both of our parts). Our marriage bed isn’t what it should be and while I think some of it has to do with everything I went through with Parker, I know it also has to do with my attitude at times.

    Looking at it from his POV – I wouldn’t want to enjoy myself with me with the attitude me has sometimes. Wow, that was awful grammar – I digress…Anyways, back on topic, I am not happy with how I can treat him. I do my best to not treat him with my crummy attitude, but I am human, ya know.

    I also think society has a lot to do with our perception of men and women. It seems like men are always the bad guys in every situation, women can do no wrong (in most cases), men are the “losers” they are the cheaters, they are the leavers….you know what I mean? So we are born into a society that treat men like the bad guys all the time. I think we kind of get that bashed into our brains growing up. And yes, as Christians we are called to be better than this, but it’s hard. It’s also wrong, women have faults, women do the same things men do – they abandon their kids (though I would assume less frequent), they cheat, the lie, they…

    This is a very interesting topic…one that would def. make a good book (as you have seen, apparently I have a lot to say on said topic – who knew).

    I think you are probably at a point where you are like, Denise, seriously, you can stop now…but I have one thing to say…

    I don’t know the radio stations # either, and I have times I want to call…perhaps I should find it and program it in to my phone!

    Love you

  12. j

    this is a big can of worms…and it could easily be a day-long discussion. i’m like you…in public i’m fine. when i was a teen, i started determining in my heart that i would not bash my husband to anyone. i tell you what, though, it’s SO HARD sometimes. when we have a fight, i want to turn to someone (especially when i truly believe that he’s being unreasonable.)…but i don’t want my conversation with that someone to ruin their opinion of my hubby and i don’t want to cut him down. i know i can talk to God, obviously, but sometimes flesh and blood is nice.

    so…i kind of have a tiny solution. i talk to his sister. my sister-in-law (we’re tight). she loves her brother no matter what. and there must have been times as kids when she was bugged by him, too. so…i have an agreement with her–i won’t take advantage of it and i hopefully won’t over use it, but if things ever blow up enough when i really, really need flesh and blood to talk to ABOUT a disagreement btw. me & hubby then i can go to her. it’s nice to know that. in 6.5 years of marriage, i’ve talked specifically about an issue probably 4 times…it’s always helpful and i know that i’m not bashing hubby in the heat of the moment with someone who might misunderstand him b/c they don’t have a history with him before i came along.

  13. Liz

    You are not the only one! For some reason, I think that my husband shoud treat me perfectly but that he should be able to “take it like a man” when I treat him disrespectfully, which is all too often. Actually, I have recently been convicted about this issue. Just as love is a conscious decision, so is respect. The bottom line is when I treat my husband kindly, everyone benefits. 😉

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