Hey! Wouldya looky here? It’s a blog post! From me! This is going to be so great! And maybe the teensiest bit predictable. I’m either a.) going to tell you how awful things are right now or b.) how things are LOOKING UP!! or c.) blog about farting or writing bumps or zoo trips so as to avoid talking about how I really feel.
I would totally subscribe to this blog if I were you. Because wow.
Here’s the deal. (see? predictable!)
I spend a very large amount of energy these days (like the past 18 months) trying to talk myself out of being a.) bitter or b.) discouraged or c.) done or d.) all of the above plus a big fat hill of beans.
I’ve been seeing a lot of quotes lately about “right when things suck the worst, get ready! because awesome!” So, there’s that.
But also I sometimes wonder if it always works out that way.
I’m not God, so I guess I really don’t have the right to see how everything fits together for good when so much of it seems POINTLESS.
Like checks that are supposedly in the mail and were supposed to have arrived days ago but didn’t and subsequent overdraft fees that never should’ve happened.
I don’t get it.
And things like bug problems (of various kinds) + water in the basement (why do I keep a pile of blankets on the basement floor again?) + accidentally deleting important e-mails + vicious cramps (gone now—whew!) + really flared-up sciatic nerve (owwwwww!) + some disappointing news + things that just aren’t working out + blah blahbity blah.
And THEN. The blessings. Unexpected rays of joy and happy right in the midst of bluh and crap.
A morning babysitting job to finance the afternoon festivities at Camp Nina. An upcoming road trip with a sweet kindred friend I hardly ever get to see. Found some $ in a random wallet (of my daughter’s) when I thought I’d already borrowed all her $. A free book in the mail. A friend telling me she has a little something for me. Puzzles and games and movies with Nina. Monsters University! Delicious backyard-grown veggies popping up like crazy. A second chance to send in late paperwork. Some free meds (after paying $55/week for 7 pills for 6 months). A phone call about an averted tragedy–praise you, Jesus!
And so on and ooooooooooooooooooooooon.
The weather has been a perfect metaphor for my life lately. Rain rain rain rain rain rain THUNDER THUNDER THUNDER. Sunshine!! Beautiful sunshine!! Rain rain THUNDER THUNDER. Sunshine! THUNDER! Sunshine!! Rain rain rain rain rain rain rain sunshine!
I guess the point of this post is that yes, I know I’m an honest, relate-able gal who makes people feel better when she airs her crap, but hoo boy, aren’t we all just getting a little bit tired of the drama?
I know I am.
I’m trying to re-adjust my perspective a bit and figure out where to go from here. I want to be thankful. I want to trust. I want to dare and dream and take big leaps. And I want to learn to be patient (okay, re-phrase that: I want to want to learn to be patient).
So there you go.
I like you people, and I’m so thankful for you. I’ll be back someday (the new and improved me), and there will be big prizes and smooches for anyone who stuck this thing out with me. Mwah!