I don’t really blog much anymore. It kind of sucks.
But it’s kind of okay too.
Gabe told me the other day, “I think you need to start blogging again.”
I looked up at him under raised eyebrows. “Um, what? You live here too, right? You know what our lives are like, right?”
“Yeah, but you don’t have to blog about that. You can blog about other stuff.”
“You know I’m not good at–and don’t want to–pretend like things are all happy so I can write about books and homeschooling and the weather and whatever, like everything is fine here and all that.”
“Right.”
So, how are things going right this very moment?
Good. Well. Can’t complain. Wouldn’t if I could.
This has been the hardest six months of our lives. We’ve been pretty much broken. Sifted like wheat, like Peter once was. Lots (and lots and lots) of days where I said, “Okay. That’s it. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. Not for one more minute.”
And then? New mercies.
Right this moment? Two of our kiddos are at a friend’s house. One isn’t feeling well and is playing games on Daddy’s computer. Gabe is at a doctor’s appointment and then heading to the gym to work out.
And I feel full–FULL–of hope.
We had our second counseling appointment yesterday. Gabe went a handful of times and then stopped, and now we’re going together.
Best move ever.
It’s going to be so good for us. It already has been. And the devil hates it, because he attacks Gabe almost immediately after each session. (EDIT: I had written, “He’s so smart and creative” here, sarcastically referring to the devil’s lame schemes of doing the same thing over and over and over and over. Two people commented on it though, so my sarcasm must not have come through. New sentence(s): the devil is so lame. And a jerk. And will not defeat us, amen.)
We’ve been praying for our daily bread, and holy cow, is God giving it to us. It’s manna in every way. Just enough for today with not a flake to spare for tomorrow. It’s pure craziness. And dare I say, fun?
And yes, a little bit exhausting.
We’re gearing up to start homeschooling in 2 weeks. Holy cow. And the girls are plotting ways to get a small aquarium and some fish.
A friend of ours died unexpectedly Saturday. He was 35. Kim, his wife, is a dear friend of mine and cuts my hair (and the girls’). They live right behind our house in the next neighborhood over. We chat with them at the pool. They have a teenage son and 2 young daughters. My heart is breaking. The viewing is tomorrow.
I leave Friday morning for a retreat in Wisconsin. It’s been planned for over a year, before my husband had a heart attack and anxiety and doesn’t like me to be gone for more than 2 hours at a time.
Gabe’s mom is coming to stay with him and the girls from Friday to Sunday. I’m eternally grateful to her.
I’m nervous about the retreat. I feel emotionally unstable, in no position to speak into women’s lives about marriage and sex and being awesome.
I should know by now that God does his best work in me when I’m at my crappiest. Go God!
In a span of about 2 days last week, I had 4 random people tell me almost the exact same words. “Your faith is so strong.” I thanked them and said, “Funny you should say that when I’ve never felt like my faith was so weak.”
It was an encouragement. We’ve gotten lots of encouragement lately.
And some not-so-encouragement.
And some pity, which I don’t deal well with. I’m so thankful for people in our lives who are so good at loving us so well without pitying us.
Thank you, people.
My heart is in Cambodia today. It spends a lot of time there. I’m so thankful that my prayers can reach across the globe when I can’t. I’m so thankful for people I love who are doing good, good work in the name of Jesus in a hurting country.
My friend Melissa leaves for Zimbabwe next week, and my mother-in-law goes to Kenya in October. Another friend is working on her application to be a missionary in Papua New Guinea. We met for lunch this week to talk about it. Great people being used by God in foreign lands. I’m so thankful.
I’m so proud of my husband. Just like God didn’t take away Paul’s thorn in the flesh, he’s not taking away Gabe’s chest pains. But Gabe is trusting him and taking steps in faith. Exercising, working, praying anyway. Doing what he can while he waits for God to move.
It’s an honor to be married to him.
Lest you think we are the most amazing married couple in the universe, you might want to peek inside my journal. I’ve always wanted to write a memoir of my life but knew it just wasn’t raw enough, not enough trauma/drama.
Well.
That has changed.
I’ll let you know when my memoir is published.
So, that’s kind of where we are. It’s not all of it, but it’s enough for today. The girls are doing well. They’re so resilient. We all are. What an amazing Creator we have.
I miss you guys.
How are you doing today (in less than 850 words)?
Hey Marla,
I was at the retreat you spoke at this weekend and I have to say – thank you so, so, so very much. I know you felt like you had no idea what you could say or do or any of that, but having you speak to us was awesome and amazing and I felt like I did grow and will continue to grow. You’re awesome and you will be in my prayers.
Thanks so much, Melissa! I’ll be praying for you too!! xoxoxoxo!
Sweet friend, thanks for sharing your heart. I’ve fallen out of bloggy world too; sometimes life is just too overwhelming for me to put into words. I miss you too! I’ll be praying for this weekend, that God will use you mightily, and strengthen Gabe in your absence.
Honestly, I’m a wreck, but I feel like everyone around me expects me to keep it all together. I’m heartbroken over the loss of our daughter through bureaucratic crap and wicked people. I don’t understand why God put it on our hearts to say yes to this impossible situation. People have asked me when I’m going to move on, as if the pain of losing the child God placed in my heart to love just goes away. Anger and bitterness are growing in my husband’s heart, which just makes me miss the kind, gentle man I fell in love with. God has blessed us in huge ways in other areas of life, but my heart just keeps coming back to my lost daughter. I would give it all up to know that she is safe.
I love you, friend, and I’ve been praying for you three every single day. I know God isn’t finished with your story yet. I’m holding onto hope and praying God shows you and J little glimpses of it soon. xoxoxo
THANK YOU! I find there is not enough sharing of the junk so when I end up going through or feeling it myself, I feel alone. I have never had it together and never want others to think I do. I really value sharing the muck (recently wrote my own post to that affect) and have found that the sharing of my own junk has been so amazing in connecting with non or young believers. They need to know we don’t have it all together! We also need to be reminded that other believers do not have it all together. I think it is such great encouragement, in an odd sort of way.
Marla, Let’s GET REAL!!!! For the past couple of years my husband and I have been going through a transition “Empty Nest” and right smack dab in the middle of that my mother-in-law was put on hospice, a breast cancer scare personally, our son leaving for marine bootcamp only to break his hip the last 40 hours of becoming a marine and then be stuck in CA for 15 months before the marines retired him and sent him home, to having my grandmother be put on hospice 2 weeks before my mother in law passed away July 2011, then Dec 30, 2011 my great aunt died, March 2011 my great grandmother died, and then a couple weeks ago my grandmother lost her battle with lung cancer, and it was rough, tough, emotional, and well down right HARD couple years! Most days seemed to be a struggle emotionally and sometimes I felt depressed. In the midst of our storm one thing remained the same God is faithful. So I said all this to say this let is spill out let it flow. Over the past 2 years I have wanted to blog but felt to empty to even form words and in the past week I did it I began blogging God has really laid it on my heart to “GET REAL” (His words not mine) and you are a blessing to so many who can’t find the strength to make it another day. This is my neon flashing light moment from God during yesterdays bible study 2 Corinthians 9:2 “your zeal has stirred up the majority”
Big Hugs!
Wow, Linda. That is A LOT. Prayed for you just now!
This post hit me right between the eyes…this may sound odd, but can you send me your email address or email me at sarah.b.farish@gmail.com? I can’t explain here. I know God wants me to explain it though:)
Just click the contact button over there, and it will send me an e-mail. Can’t wait!
Welcome back….I’ve really mssed your posts!!
I love you!
I love you back!
hey girl — you know you are doing sooo much better than you think — and so is Gabe — and … Pauls thorn in the flesh wasn’t sickness or affliction – it was people.
You are preparing for the next step in life — and the lame devil is helping you without even knowing it !!!
love you
Love you too, friend. And I’d need to see proof that Paul’s thorn was people.
I’m on it — got to get my references together — you’ll be shocked — cause sickness isn’t from God — and isn’t good for us