Just to clarify, it’s not Jon and Kate breaking the silence; it’s me. And to clarify further, I wasn’t really being silent on purpose (much); I just don’t talk a whole lot about celebrity sagas on my blog. Or maybe I do and just can’t remember. My brain feels a little foggy tonight.
This should be good.
If you don’t know who Jon and Kate are, you live under an even bigger rock than I do. They’re a couple in their 30′s with 8-year-old (I think) twin girls and 5-year-old (I think) sextuplets–3 boys, 3 girls. Hence, the name of their reality TV show–Jon & Kate Plus 8. (Very catchy, by the way.) A few months ago, they filed for divorce.
If you were a faithful J&K+8 watcher (I’ve watched 10-12 episodes over the years), you probably have some strong emotions about the whole thing. Maybe–Kate is not very nice, and it’s her fault that her marriage failed. Or–if only Jon would’ve bucked up and taken responsibility as a husband and father instead of going out to bars. Or–how heartbreaking for these kiddos that their parents are broken up.
I’ve read bits and pieces here and there, and I’m sure I don’t have all the facts, but a couple days ago, I watched a clip of an interview with Jon. He talked about how abusive Kate was. How she was mean and rude and disrespectful to him and just kept beating, beating, beating him down. He couldn’t take it anymore, he said. And now he’s found a girl who loves and respects him and treats him like he’s longed to be treated for so long.
His cry for respect is universal among guys. And as a culture, as a whole, we women are answering that cry with a cackling laugh and a, “Shut up and sit down!” I’m sure I’ve soapboxed on here before about the chronic lack of respect I see ALL over the place. Women disrespecting men. And, in particular, wives disrespecting husbands.
It’s not only culturally acceptable–it’s encouraged, applauded. Men have “tiny husband brains” (thank you, Brian Regan), and it’s our feminine duty to make our guys feel even smaller every chance we get.
I read a book recently that I’m going to share from when I resume the modesty discussion. The author starts off by saying that Satan is very, very interested in “sowing seeds of disrespect toward men in the hearts of women of all ages.” I couldn’t agree more. God has a beautiful plan for male-female relationships, and the devil is out to undermine and sabotage it at every turn.
And we buy his stupid lies.
I’ve written about respecting our husbands in three of my four books. I wish I could just hand out those chapters free of charge, because I’m desperately passionate about this topic. If you have the books and haven’t looked at them in ages, I’d love for you to dust them off and open up to Chapter 6 in Blushing, Chapter 5 in Diapers, and Chapter (I’m not sure because I’m all out of copies at the moment) of Is That All?
Now, I’m not perfect. As much as I love to encourage women to respect their husbands (and men in general), my recent record isn’t spotless (ask Gabe). But I am always, always conscious of the respect issue, and when I do disrespect my husband, I recognize it immediately and feel completely convicted. It breaks my heart (or irks me like crazy–depends on my mood) when I hear women doing this. Some of them don’t even have a clue that they’re being completely disrespectful. Sinful. Some of them are godly women who long to follow hard after Jesus, and don’t for a second make the connection between being obedient to the Lord and showing respect to the guy they married.
And can I just take a minute to publicly praise my girlfriends from church for the way they honor and respect their husbands? Again, they’re not perfect. But, as a whole, the gals I hang with, do life with, love their husbands and speak to them (and about them) with deep respect. These hubbies aren’t beaten down or degraded and don’t feel embarrassed every time they’re in public with their oh-so-vocal wives. You go, Vista Girls!
Back to Jon & Kate. (Digression is one of my love languages. Or something.) In most of the episodes I’ve seen of the show, Kate is verbally disrespectful/abusive to Jon. She’s called him dumb and essentially worthless. She yells at him, berates him, rolls her eyes at him, the works. I found myself cringing time and time again, wishing she had waited until the cameras were off and discussed their issues in a respectful tone. (Boring TV, I know.)
Like I said, I don’t know the whole story. I don’t know what all Jon has done. Just like I don’t know YOUR whole story. I don’t know what your marriage is like. Maybe your husband is the one who’s rude and mean and unloving. I had a sweet gal come up to me after one of my Sex Talks, and she was not happy. Not one little bit. There I was, telling wives that they should unselfishly meet their husband’s physical needs, and I had no idea what her husband put her through.
I told her what I’ll tell you. I have no easy answer for that. We talked, I prayed with her, and I pray even now that God worked some mighty miracles in that marriage.
What I do know is this: many, many, many of us have a problem in this area. The guy in our life isn’t the trouble; it’s us. We’ve bought the lie that it’s okay to get laughs at the expense of another person–as long as it’s just a guy.
Any thoughts?
This is a great post. Hubby & I are just starting to go through a marriage book called “Love and Respect” which focuses on the man’s innate need for respect from his wife. And I think it’s so important to remember that we need to work on ourselves, and not on the other person when there’s a problem.
[...] do want to continue the discussion but take it down a slightly different trail. Ali was the first one to say, “Hey, why [...]
Well, I’m not commenting on that show because they already get enough press, I’m not feeding them. But I’ll never forget my mom not letting us watch Everybody Love’s Raymond when I was younger. When I asked why, she said they are trying to convince you its ok for the mom to make fun of the dad and berate him in front of his children. Wow, what a witness, I have never forgotten that.
Jon and Kate should have stopped the show a long time ago. If they wanted to make it work at all, they would have put the fame aside.
( Including yours Marla!) Thank You!
Also, so many shows these days make light of women disrespecting their husbands, making them seem like idiots. I just look forward to being married one day and finding a partner. Although, I know I will have lots to learn. Luckily, I do have some amazing role model relationships in my life to look at
Marla,
Interesting post — I find it interesting and am trying not to be offended that all the focus is on Kate and women respecting their husbands. By no means am I saying I think that Kate appeared to be kind, gentle, and nice to Jon. The issue for me is one of mutual respect between husband and wife, being an example to one another and to others. Focusing only on the behavior of the woman without expecting accountability to the man for the same, changes the focus of this discussion to be about power and control vs. respect, compassion, and partnership.
Thank you for this post, Marla! This is something in my life that God is specifically working in me on; I love my husband so much, but I tend to disrespect him, particularly when I’m not getting my way. Such an important topic for us women! And praise the Lord He can change us, wants to change us, and will not give up on us!
In addition to this phenom…is the silence of our men….we are all pretty broken that’s for sure…
So….anyone borrowing that book you just read??? *cough* Maybe somebody in Kentucky might be interested in it. *cough*
I feel so terribly for the kids because they will one day google their parents and see this mess played out all over the internet. They’ll see their dad mingling with other women while still married. They’ll see their mom disrespecting their dad on National Television.
Another thing cause I forgot to comment before. What I like to read about in your blog is what’s going on in your heart. Nothing too intimate or personal but just what you are willing to share. I’ve known you for over a decade and I like what God does in your heart and it encourages me to see God moving when you share.
smooches
I wonder what their relationship was like before the “plus eight.” Because there are days with “plus two” where I can begin to treat Wes like a dimwit just because I’m stressed and need help. Not that I’m right to do so and not that Kate was right for doing so, but I really want to believe (especially now that Jon is proving to be such a tool with his poor choices as a grown man and father of eight children) that Kate once treated him with respect back when she wasn’t wanting to pull her hair out.
But who knows? I stopped watching the show when they announced their separation. I wish they would stop production completely and focus all their energy on trying to save their marriage.
OOOh, I have lots to say about J and K and it’s hard to keep it to myself sometimes. We watched Jon’s interview the other night and I thought many of the same things you did. It makes me so sad for their kids-they’ve both been terrible examples in many ways.
I haven’t always been good about showing respect to my husband, to his face or behind his back. I never realized how important it is until I’d been married a few years. Respect is the ONE thing (well, sex too) that my husband says he must have to be happy in our marriage. When there’s genuine respect the other healthy things come naturally for both of us.
I read those chapters in your books and they’re right on. One of the things I always did with couples in pre-marital counseling is talk with them about mutual respect and honoring each other with their words. A marriage can’t succeed with it.
This was such a great reminder, Marla. Thank you.
My husband and I like to kid, which is fine, but I have to make sure that I don’t take it too far. OR much worse, that I play out my frustration with him under the guise of “just kidding.”
As for J&K, I watched the interview with Jon and I watched his countenance completely change when he started talking about his new girlfriend and he said that she respects him and encourages him. I didn’t live them so I can’t say what Kate did or didn’t do, but that moment in the interview stuck out in my mind even before I read your post today.
I hurt for those children watching the people who are supposed to be their safe places to fall. I’m afraid the two grown ups are too busy making sure everyone know who’s right and who’s wrong to notice that this story could really use a hero.
I couldn’t get into the show due to the attitudes I saw the parents have – I know most people only watched it due to the “cute kids”.
As for the respecting the husband thing, I feel VERY strongly about this topic. One of the things I was taught before I got married was that a man’s respect (especially my husband’s) was the most important thing to him. I just CRINGE every time I hear a woman talk poorly about her husband (or other man in her life) w/ or w/o him present. There is a time for “venting” in the privacy and confidence of a trusted friend, but NEVER should you air your grievances about your significant other in public or in a group setting! ESPECIALLY not he is around to hear it. UGGGG!!! I can’t say enough about this! Just this weekend, I was sitting in the midst of a group of people from our church when one of the ladies WENT OFF on her significant other with NO care as to the shame the rest of us (or at least me) was feeling. I felt SO badly for the poor guy at that moment. It is SOO embarrassing to see ANYBODY berated, let alone a woman berating her husband/boyfriend/significant other.
Thanks for addressing this issue!! It is a MUCH needed issue to be addressed in society today!!
It is truly sad to see a family separate, to see a marriage end and eight children lose their Mommy & Daddy as a couple. We should pray for this family.
What a wonderful post and an EXCELLENT topic. And great comments, ladies…
I am convicted, knowing how easy it can be for that seed of discontentment, disrespect, selfishness, WHATEVER, to take root without my realizing it. “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” Philippians 2:3 (read on, great stuff follows…)
The book that I recommend is The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. This woman doesn’t mess around. I’ve recently picked this book up, and all it takes is a few pages to remind me of my role. I also want to say that my sweet Mother-in-Law reminded me before we were married, of the fragility of the male ego. God created them that way. We must appreciate the uniqueness and value that our husbands hold, for us and for our children.