how low can you go?

I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell you that the whole bunch of happy I blogged about on Wednesday morning had pretty much all but disappeared by Wednesday night.

Busy schedule, waves of exhaustion, fighting children, Gabe not feeling well, my glaring ineptitude in a million different areas. I blogged about my books yesterday and got almost no response and immediately decided that everyone hates me and everything I’ve ever written. (no need to tell me otherwise or purchase a pity book–I’m already almost over it)

Nina got off the bus yesterday (Thursday) and immediately got into it with Ava. Tears, yelling, everybody in trouble, Daddy’s heart rate elevated. A few minutes of peace, Livi gets home, and she and Ava start a fight that turns into 4 of the 5 of us (Nina hid out in the living room with Arthur and D.W.) angry and screaming.

And I think I’m going to homeschool all of them next year?

Great meeting at our place from 7-9pm with the Compassion & Justice team from church (the only meetings I’ve ever loved and not despised). It’s a good thing we were hosting, or else there’s no way we would have gone with all of our red eyes and racing hearts.

Girls in bed, enjoyed some time with Gabe, in bed at a decent hour, up at midnight with Gabe and a panic attack. He was convinced he was dying. I was so tired I wanted to die. I didn’t understand why God was allowing it all to happen again. Still don’t. All I could think was that we have a lifetime of this looming over us, and we will never, not ever, be able to go back to Cambodia, not even for a visit, and it broke my tired heart, and I just cried. And prayed over Gabe and scratched his back and at some point, we both fell asleep.

Then I missed the recycling truck this morning for the second week in a row and burst into tears. Seriously. It felt like the end of the world. Still does.

Why am I telling you all of this? Not sure. I think partly because I wrote in my journal through tears and opened my Jesus Calling (a gift from a sweet friend with troubles a million times tougher than mine) and the first sentence was, “Thank me for your problems.” (Jesus talking to me)

So I did.

“The very act of thanking me releases your mind from its negative focus.”

So I thanked him for all that stuff I just wrote about, and I’m slowly feeling the self-pity lift (sloooooowly).

And I’m determined to figure out how to find joy amidst/despite my circumstances. Happy times will come, but they don’t last, and more things will come along that have the power to disappoint, dishearten, dis-whatever IF I give them that power.

I don’t want to do that.

I want to fix my eyes on Jesus. Will you pray I can do that?

Thank you, friends.

27 thoughts on “how low can you go?

  1. Lari

    Marla, are things better??? I know it can be so hard. You and your family are doing some wonderful things for God and it makes you prime targets….hang in there! Praying for you!

  2. Marcy

    That is a rough day with a good reason or a hundred more to have a good ol’ cry. I’m praying for you Marla, stranger that I am. I think you are amazing and I don’t even know you. We all do have days like that and dreams seem to crash and I can’t even remember to make my kids lunches…crap…I forgot again. Guess I’ll make them late night like…gonna be good. Not.

    Just sayin’ thanks for being honest. You encouraged me and I needed to hear it after a weekend like mine.

  3. Cheryl Pickett

    Marla, know that you are not inept at a million things. I’m sure you are and know you are good at many things. Some of it is where others are weak. Don’t forget that, please. I know it’s hard. I have my moments or entire days when I think nothing is going right, I’m going to give it all up and become Amish because it would be easier.

    You are a gifted, talented child of God. There is no promise that as a child of God, life on earth will be all unicorns and rainbows (or coffee and Chick Fil A). He promised to give us peace, and strength and to be near us, but Satan still has power and he works hardest on those he knows are working hard for the kingdom. Why not? He’s got a good hold on everybody else.

    Hold tight to your faith, know there have always been good times, but there have always been bad times too, and that will continue to be the case until we all go home for eternity. You can and will manage whatever it is that happens in between.

  4. Shannon Wheeler

    Thank you for sharing this, even though it’s hard stuff to put out there, I imagine. Please know God used your transparency to bless me today. I just received a diagnosis of fibromyalgia this week, which explains why I feel like a punching bag every day and like I’m pushing through sludge to make it through each day, and I am so discouraged, because at the same time as this is getting more problematic, my heart is bursting at the seams to do more for the Lord in serving our refugee friends in our now-eight-person-larger family, we just updated our adoption home study and I fear my husband will never want to think about adoption again now that I’m dealing with this exhaustion and pain in my body, and I don’t understand how the Lord is going to use it all, but I know for me and for Gabe and you and your family, the enemy will NOT impact the Lord’s plans for our lives, and God will still do all He promised us He would do in our lives.

    Cambodia will see you again. God did not plant dreams in your heart to leave them unattended and unfulfilled. I think the increasing attacks in our lives as Christians often indicate we’re treading on territory the enemy wants to keep us out of, so be encouraged that we are all praying for you and are believing that your Cambodia story is not finished and the big dreams God has whispered to you are not changed by any of these hard things. It’s so hard to go through these struggles, and I am praying.

  5. Kelsie

    Marla, you’re not alone. Had a rough day today, so reading this helped me see that I’m not crazy – just emotional (and NORMAL!). I was just sharing with someone last night how it’s so good for us to have struggles, as they cause us to cry out to Him. *sigh* Help me to embrace and THANK YOU for these struggles, Father!! Help Marla to do the same! Give Gabe peace. Heal their family. Continue to make them more like Christ. In Jesus’ Name.

  6. Mary

    I missed our recycling truck 3 weeks in a row and about blew a fuse. I got mad at them for coming too early! 🙂 Things like that make me realize I need to sit back and reeeeally evaluate what’s setting me off – ha! Miss you and if I didn’t already have all your books, I would’ve gotten one yesterday!

    Also, if it makes you feel any better I’ve cried in public twice this week because of my kids’ behavior. I am in such a losing battle right now!

  7. beth lehman

    praying – the things that push our buttons – wow, it’s hard to be grateful. i see it in my children and i would like to be a better model of it.

  8. Sharon

    Praying for you, Marla. I’m reading through “Jesus Calling” too and am always shocked at how often the days reading lines up with what’s going on in my life. Hmm, I don’t think I bothered to stop and thank God for all my problems this morning though. I’ll go do that now. Thanks for the push.

  9. Danielle

    My sweet, amazing, talented sister, thank you for sharing. You are not weak and inept, you just aren’t strong enough apart from God. He made you that way so that you would need him, so that you would cling to him, so that you would find shelter in him. Rest today dear friend. Praying for you!

    During our morning worship today I told J “I’m just plain weary. Even though we have manna and doves from heaven, this desert is exhausting.” Then we read Psalm 150 (Praise the Lord! Exuberantly, because of who he is and what he has done, praise the Lord!) And we read Job 38, and 42 (God speaks out of the whirlwind, and Job repents.) and then JJ’s cousin posted Matt 11:28-30 on Facebook. (Come to me all who are weary…)

    Ouch God. OK, so I need to praise you, even when I don’t “feel” it, and part of that praising if acknowledging how worthy of praise you are and repenting of my doubt, and then I can find rest in the yoke of the cross. Got it. My priorities are backward in every respect.

  10. Eric

    My thought is that we are both physical and spiritual beings. Spiritual matters can certainly affect us physically, and physical matters affect us spiritually. Game may have a physical ailment… and he, like all of us, certainly has spiritual sickness too. What Gabe may have experienced was a spiritual advancement that had a positive physical impact on him at the time. This then brought about some peace. But, he still likely has a physical ailment. If I had any advice, it would be to take a holistic approach to it. Take care of the body, to advance the body, and also help the spirit. Take care of the spirit, to advance the spirit, and also help the body.

    I would advise having bloodwork done to see if there are indications of an underlying persistent infection. This can certainly result in the symptoms described. It is much more common than many think.

  11. kim stewart

    First, Marla THANK YOU for being so transparent and real! You are such a blessing to so many. I am praying for you and your family!

    You can throw the WHOLE weight of your anxieties upon Him for you are His personal concern. -1Peter 5:7

  12. Lori

    Messages like that from Jesus Calling so often correspond to my difficult times, I secretly want to read ahead and plan to lay low those days LOL!
    Praying Marla…..

  13. Shannah

    Can’t tell you how often missing the garbage truck is enough to push me over the edge, too. You are not alone. And I guess we’re both learning the hard way that we are not supposed to be enough. After all, they that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will rise up with wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.

    That’s the promise I heard this morning…hope it helps you, too. Here’s to a day without fainting!

  14. brooke

    of course {{{hugs}}}
    need a bit of that myself. allergies bring anxiety. add to that getting the house ready to sell, and we’ll just say that Jay would be better off living on a corner of our roof.

  15. Elizabeth Hutchison

    Marla….my heart goes out to you. We all know that feeling of one thing after another until we burst into tears over missing the recycling truck. And I read “Jesus Calling” yesterday, too. So….I’ll be in prayer. We can be thanking god for our problems together. And I’ll be praying that God surprises you beyond what you can ask or imagine in the next few days.

  16. Shannon

    I am praying for your family today. I am in a weekly bible study, and one of the BIGGEST repeated messages we are hearing this month is that our struggles are meant to GROW us closer to Christ. I am seeing this happen in my own life through and through. After a miscarriage 10 weeks ago, a lot has changed for our family, and I am struggling with anxiety and panic attacks of my own. I know how stressful it is for me, and can’t imagine how my husband and son feel in the midst of it all. I am grateful that we have a loving and forgiving God, who teaches us to love and forgive each other! I certainly would NOT have my family here if they didn’t know how to forgive me 🙂 Praying for an encouraging day for you! <3

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