I figure if I can change Hump Day to Bump Day, why not change Friday to Dump Day, right? I realized earlier today that I haven’t really been sharing my feelings lately on my blog. And it sure as heck ain’t because I’m not having any. I’d love to express them sweetly and succinctly with all y’all in a nice little (fake-Southern-twanged) blog post…. But.
I just can’t seem to make them cooperate.
My friend Ali wrote a killer-awesome post yesterday about sucking as a mom that I almost thought was about me except I don’t have any kids named Henry and Harper.
Then today my friend Meg wrote a dead-on-the-money post about the agonizing side of being an ENFP (that whole personality test thing). I could’ve kissed her for describing me (a fellow ENFP) so stinking perfectly. But then she went and closed the comments on her post, so I had to go yell at her in ALL CAPS on her Facebook wall. YOU GET ME!!
Then my friend Angie wrote a fabulous post about doing a not-so-hot job of balancing husband and kiddos with writing and speaking. NAILED me.
So, what should have been my logical response to all these posts? Complete joy and relief that I am not alone and that I’m going to be okay, right?
My actual response? I got ticked that they knew how to articulate their feelings and all I can do is repeatedly check e-mail and facebook and stare at my messy kitchen and ignore my kids and raid the fridge and cupboard for something sweet, something salty, something sweet, anything that will take the edge off the angst of the overwhelming swirl.
I’m a roller coaster right now (shocking). If I’m not discouraged, I’m giddy. If I’m not excited, I’m depressed. If I’m not frustrated, I’m inspired. Up and down and up and down and up and down.
And honestly a lot more down than up lately.
And I’m not going to the only One who can work all this out for me (i.e., not practicing what I preach). Oh, I’m reading my Bible and praying and all that jazz, but my attitude is pretty lackadaisical, and I’m going at it all half-bottomed.
I’m waiting for some happy things to happen, and then I’ll get my attitude in gear. And I sense God saying, “Lose the attitude first. Be content where you’re at. Fix your eyes on me. Put down the self-centeredness before someone gets hurt.”
I’m speaking to a group of women at a retreat tomorrow (Saturday) about a bunch of stuff that I HAVE NO BUSINESS TALKING ABOUT. I suppose God will do what he always does–use my failures and inadequacies to make an impact on people’s lives. But I feel like this time might be the time he throws up his hands and says, “Okay, I give up. I know I typically turn your weaknesses into my glory, but can’t you at least give me something to work with here? Anything??”
Or maybe I’m over-drama-fying.
I would close the comments on this post like Meg did, but I don’t know how.
Shoot. An inch down my screen it says “Allow comments” with a box in front of it that’s checked. All I have to do is un-check it. Let me rephrase that.
I would close the comments on this post, but I don’t want to do it for the wrong reasons or just to make a point.
Okay, okay. I would close the comments on this post, but I NEED some feedback to soothe my self-centered blah, blah, blah.
I get it, God.
Would love your prayers that God is glorified through my crap tomorrow. Thanks, friends!