STOP READING NOW if you think talk of personal medical issues is TMI for a blog post (I won’t be offended and pretty much agree with you, but that won’t stop me from writing about it).
I haven’t shared much about the pain/discomfort that’s been plaguing me the last few months, because well, um, embarrassing. I did have to chuckle, though, when not one, but TWO different friends offered me the same remedy when I told them about my ills today. They’d been to Christmas parties (in different states) and had white elephant gift exchanges where one of the gifts was a tube of Preparation H and a donut.
Just what I needed.
Except that Prep H is dead to me. As is every other “cure” for h—–hoids in the geriatrics aisle of the pharmacy. Believe me, I’ve tried them all.
I might as well just tell you the whole saga. Guys (girls, too), feel free (please) to stop reading rightaboutnow. I’ll be honest. My hesitancy to share this “dilemma” previously wasn’t really for my own sake (I wrote a book on sex. What’s a h—–hoid or two?) but yours. No one wants to be sitting at their computer on a Friday morning with a nice hot cup of coffee and all the sudden see the word HEMORRHOIDS. And then get a full-on description of them.
Consider yourself warned.
I first noticed the little boogers after I had Nina, but there was absolutely no pain or itching involved, so who cares, right? Fast forward to 2010 sometime. Some itching, some pain, but always manageable, not that frequent. No big deal. Fast forward to the summer. Getting worse. Fast forward to 2ish months ago. Worse. Fast forward another month. AWFUL. I haven’t slept through the night in weeks. The itching and pain are sometimes what I would call unbearable (like worse than natural childbirth).
Here’s the trouble. I haven’t been to our family doctor in over 3 years. So I’m no longer on the patient list. And they’re not accepting new patients until the third week of January. I finally called yesterday in desperation, and they caved and schedule me for Monday (our 13th wedding anniversary–nice).
But today? Baaaaaaad. And tonight? At 6:30, in tears, I kissed my family good-bye and drove to Urgent Care. And PRAISE THE LORD, a female nurse practitioner named Debra took my case. She was wonderful and gentle and fabulous and a complete angel from the Lord.
The bad news? I don’t have the kind of hemorrhoids that you can “fix.” She actually wasn’t quite sure what was wrong and wants me to still see my doctor Monday. I might have to have some tests done, she said.
The good news? She was so sad for my pain and prescribed me some heavy-duty suppositories (Livi and I were cracking up at the instructions–“Unwrap and insert 1 per rectum twice daily for 1 week.”) and Vicodin to take the edge off the pain and knock me out cold all night long hopefully.
And there you have it. This is NOT how I envisioned my last post of 2010. Speaking of which, yesterday was the FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of when I started my blog. I was 89 weeks pregnant, 2 centimeters dilated, and sweet Nina was born 6 days later. So, I guess that makes my hemorrhoid issues and my blog the same age.
I totally could’ve had a big ol’ celebration here yesterday and missed my chance. Shoot. Anyone out there been reading my blog for five whole years? (if so, you deserve some kind of medal).
Anyway, Happy New Year! May your 2011 be full of God and his glory! Love you, friends!