Ever heard that line? If you’ve read Blushing Bride, you might remember it from p. 139 (but I’m pretty sure the author stole it from someone else). Believe me or no, it’s gospel truth. Well, I suppose there might be an exception. I have a delightful friend who once asked me, “Is it wrong to hope if I ever get married that my husband’s family is dead?” I guess if your husband doesn’t have a family, then you won’t have to marry them. But as nice as that might sound to some of you, how sad is that??
So, in-laws. Wow. Talk about a loaded word. So much emotion packed into those six little letters and a hyphen. Let me start off by saying that my in-laws are wonderful. All of them. Mom-in-law, dad-in-law, 2 sisters-in-law and 3 brothers-in-law. I love them to bits. Oh, believe you me, there have been some rough patches with pretty nigh all of them, but we’ve worked through it, and these 7 people are some of my favorites on earth. Now, I’m just speculating here, but I’ll bet that a big chunk of you have an in-law relationship that’s a little less rosy. (Please, no hands!)
And old pal called me up a couple weeks ago for some in-law advice. I mean, I wrote some chapters on the topic (2 in Blushing, 1 in Diapers), so I must be an expert, right? But, wow, her situation was a tough one. I gave her what little advice I could and encouraged her to pray her ever-lovin’ brains out.
Now here I sit with a 2-inch stack of loose papers beside me on my desk. It’s a pile of typed-up stuff about in-laws–half-finished chapters, surveys from friends, scribbled ideas and outlines. What gives, you ask?
Here’s the deal (i totally over-use those three words): I already mentioned the 2 in-law chapters in Blushing. Then I wrote Is That All (no in-law chapters in the sex book–ha!) However, as I read through my anonymous surveys, more than a few gals mentioned in-laws as a huge roadblock to intimacy in their marriage beds. Say huh?!? So, I homed in on the topic, wrote up a proposal, and it got shot down at the publishing committee meeting. “Cute, appealing, yada-yada, but there’s just no market for in-law books.” It seems that Christian women want books on improving their marriages, their mothering, their spiritual growth and their homes. Getting along with their husbands’ families? Yeah, not so much.
So. There the book sits. From time to time, I’ll get comments or e-mails–”When ya gonna write that in-law book? I need it yesterday!” Well, now, I don’t know. Part of me thinks I just might try to resurrect it one of these days. Most of us could use such a book, if we’re honest. But how much of us are actually willing to invest blood, sweat and tears (and $12.99) into someone we don’t even like at the moment?
So, I thought about asking how many of you would read a book about in-laws. But even if I got 500 comments in the affirmative, 500 copies sold does not a “successful” book make. But I do have all kinds of too-good-to-waste stuff on the topic. And I’d love to share some snippets of it with you now and again (not too often–don’t despair, my fabulous single friends!). So, I just need to know which parts of my research/surveys/charming anecdotes you’d care to read.
Here are your options: 1.) What do you call your in-laws? (mom/dad, Mr./Mrs., nothing!) 2.) What kind of first impression did you make on your in-laws? 3.) What are the dynamics of your hubby’s relationship with his mama? 4.) Do you compare yourself to any of your sisters-in-law? 5.) Why is your husband’s family so odd? 6.) Do you find yourself dreading holidays?
Feel free to choose a question you’d most like me to address. Or share something in-law-related that’s on your mind. But please do exercise some caution. Let’s not have any rudeness or slander. And unbeknownst to you, your mother-in-law just might read my blog. This is the internet you know, not some private chat room.
If you have something to ask the teacher in private, you can always e-mail me. As long as you remember that I’m no therapist, and you take my advice at your own risk. And if you haven’t read Blushing, there’s a good chance your question might have been already answered there. I’ll even make you a deal--buy Blushing between now and Wednesday at noon, and I’ll throw in a second copy for free!
And I should probably apologize to the guys. I wrote this whole post as if I were talking to a woman. But you’re smart fellas. You can adapt, right?
Have a Delightful Day, friends!
In many, many ways, I am totally blessed with amazing in-laws, they are kind and sweet and love my daughter (who’s 5 months old). But in other ways, they drive me crazy – they’re “over-involved” and love to give advice . . . and want us to be over there ALL the time . . . and totally overstep bounds often.
Anyways,
1- I call my in-laws Tom and Sheryl – but she wants me to call her mom – I’m just not there (yet – maybe one day) . . . and Jayci will call them grandma and grandpa
2 – I dont really know – we started dating in high school so who knows?!
3-dynamics of hubby’s relationship? His mom has always “taken care of” him by cleaning his room, doing his laundry etc — so i think he kind of expects me to do that too . . . but I’m not as good at it as she is!
4- I do compare myself to my SIL – she is beautiful and popular and outgoing (all the things I always wanted to be) and I dont think she likes me all that much — at least she’s not really friendly towards me!
6) Holidays have never been a huge issue, but it was definitely a lot harder now that we have a baby – everyone wanted to see her!!
I hope you do write this book – it would be a great one!
I would like you to address ALL THE QUESTIONS! and for the record, I would so buy a book you wrote on IN-Laws! its so great! The best advice we received in counseling was that my husband realized that he can’t choose between his family and me/ours. Its us not them…
As to your questions/options:
1.) What do you call your in-laws? MOM AND DAD
2.) What kind of first impression did you make on your in-laws? Not sure, we were good friends first and then married…
3.) What are the dynamics of your hubby’s relationship with his mama? Not enough room to comment
4.) Do you compare yourself to any of your sisters-in-law? Not enough room to answer! I could write a lot on this!
5.) Why is your husband’s family so odd?
6.) Do you find yourself dreading holidays?
*waving hands franticly* oh I would so buy a book on this. I get along fine with them, and call all of them by first names….but the reason I get along ok with them is because we can be plenty detached.
no comparison to SILs, one still a child the other is total meth addict….
why are they so odd?? dont get it at all husbands grandmothers are insanely normal….
his mother is cold and stand offish and his step mom is more normal but he was raised by his grandma because both of his parents dropped the ball….
he is closer to his dad, but views most of their parenting styles as what not to do(thankfully)
but his extended family gives Jerry Springer ideas for shows….
I have no reason to dread holidays, his family does not celebrate christmas so they dont care what we do….we share thanksgiving w/ them and they babysit for me for Black friday and we share christmas with my family…
has worked out wonderfully so far in the nearly 10 years we are together….
it also helps that we are 5 1/2 hours from nearest family, we can pick and choose what we do and when.
Oh, most definitely #3 What are the dynamics of your hubby’s relationship with his mama?
What do you call your in-laws?
When my husband and i first started dating, I called her Mrs. Ware, but she requested from the start that I call her Marilyn. It was really hard for me at first b/c I’ve known her most of my life and had always called her “Mrs. Ware”, but now I don’t even think twice.
What are the dynamics of your hubby’s relationship with his mama?
MY husband is a bit closer to his dad but still has a really good relationship with his mom. My husband has good “boundaries” though and will leave if he feels like she is trying to control him.
Dreading holidays: I’m trying not to develop a bitterness toward Thanksgiving, but it’s moving in that direction every year. Thanksgiving was always one of my favorite holidays growing up – so much fun! and so much good food! – but now that we moved away, Thanksgiving is an in-law holiday. And probably always will be. I don’t like the food, not many people are there, we fall asleep on the couch watching the dog show on tv, and it doesn’t feel like Thanksgiving at all. Bleh. It’s harder to want to divide holiday time (especially Christmas) evenly when I see my in-laws way more often than I see my own family (1 hr away as opposed to 9 hrs away).
Oddness: There are so many stark differences between my in-laws and my own family. They do NOT like opinionated people (I keep my mouth shut), my family all shares their opinions in debates/ discussions. They drink, we don’t. They LOVE dogs, we don’t. They have some frustratingly unsupported theological beliefs that I and my family (and thankfully, my husband) don’t share. They like things formal and proper, we are paper plate using/barefoot in the grass/sit-on-the-floor kind of people. I could go on.
Sister-in-law comparisons: I compared myself to my hubby’s sister a lot when we were dating, but after I finally came out and told him the reasons I was worried he wished I was more like her and not like me, he told me I was crazy and that he didn’t want to marry his sister. And it’s been fine ever since then.
I absolutely LOVE talking about this stuff. There’s so much more I could say.
I have a GREAT relationship with my MIL- in fact, I should go call her, it’s been a couple days.
Anyway…questions 3 and 4 sound interesting to me, but I’d love to read whatever you have. 