what’s your love language?

EDIT (2:31pm): Thanks for all the great answers while I was off at my Bible study Brunch! They LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the pie, B.E.! Nina is stalling her nap with, “I have to go potty, Mommy!” Nice. Be back soon to read through your comments more slowly!

Thanks for the encouragement about Ava. Some of you mentioned love languages and how words of affirmation (at least written ones) might not be her primary love language. Love language = something others do that makes you feel especially loved. (my paraphrase)

Long ago, a guy named Gary Chapman came up with 5 love languages:
1.) words of affirmation
2.) acts of service
3.) physical touch
4.) receiving gifts

And I asked Gabe yesterday, “What’s the 5th love language? I can’t think of it for the life of me.” He couldn’t either, so I looked it up.

5.) quality time (apparently, this isn’t mine, or I would have remembered it)

Gabe decided that his is acts of service. “Or maybe physical touch. One of those two.” I reminded him that physical touch does not mean you know. He knew that. He still likes it. But not in public. Gabe’s not a PDA guy.

Mine is acts of service too. Words are okay. Gifts are okay (if they’re something I really needed anyway and now I don’t have to buy it). Quality time = okay, I guess. But selfishly, I like quality time with myself. And touch? Yeah, not so much. I do like hugs, and I give them out frequently. And I do like back scratches and when my girlies (or sister) play with my hair. Okay, maybe I like it more than I thought.

Anyway, so I told Ava this morning (while I was putting her hair in uneven pigtails–where’s Gail when you need her??) that we were going to talk about love languages tonight.

Me: Which do you like best–when people do things for you…?
Ava: Mmm..hmmm!
Me: OR when people say nice things to you…?
Ava: Mmm…hmmm!
Me: OR when people get you gifts…?
Ava: Yep!
Me: OR when people touch and cuddle you…?
Ava: Mmm…hmmm!
Me: Or when people spend time with you…?
Ava: Yep!
Gabe: (in Brian Regan mode) All favorites! Many much favorites!

Tonight we’ll talk more, and I’ll try to figure out which one is her real, most favorite. And Livi too. And Nina (that should be interesting).

So, back to my “acts of service.” I like it when people do things for me–things that I normally would have had to do, and now I don’t have to. Like the dishes. Or watching the girls while I go out with my hubby.

Oh, poo! I’d love to stay and elaborate, but I’m making B.E.’s Paradise Pumpkin Pie for a Bible study brunch here in an hour, and I’ve got to stay on task. I’ve only ever made pecan pie, and I’ve never covered the edges of a pie in foil before. (how do you do that exactly, B.E.??)

I got some cute thank-you notes from the first-graders I read to. I may post a couple tomorrow.

Gabe is interviewing Travis Cottrell (Beth Moore’s worship leader) on his podcast here in a bit. How fun! I wish I could be here. Gabe said he’s going to tell him that I listen to my Sandi Patty Christmas CD more than my Travis Cottrell Christmas CD. Whatever.

Have a Wild Wednesday! And if you’ve got it figured out, what’s your primary love language?

31 thoughts on “what’s your love language?

  1. stephaniedawnbasham

    Mine is acts of service, too. We must be sisters or something.

    Words of affirmation is a close second.

    I used to think I maybe had physical touch because I liked back scratches and people playing with my hair, but I think I realized that those things just plain feel good and it’s almost more of that person doing an act of service to me by playing with my hair (even though they might not want to do it) and that’s what makes me feel loved.

  2. kellycohan

    So so interesting! I know I’m a little late on the uptake here, but I think my #1 is words of affirmation. Possibly because Brit doesn’t frequently express his affection verbally, so when he says something kind or loving, I know it’s 100% sincere, and I eat. it. up!

    I think his might be acts of service. That’s tough for me, because I’m not the most self-motivated person… but knowing he notices and appreciates it is a great motivator! His is definitely NOT gifts. Anything but!!  

    This is especially timely with Christmas coming up. I can’t think of a better way to show someone you love them than by selecting a gift that matches their love language. Now, what kind of gift can I give my dad that will match his love language of quality time… when I live 6 hours away?

  3. hollydue

    Words of Affirmation and then Acts of Service.

    I have the Kids love language book if you want to borrow it…..

    Love you, girlie. Can’t wait to see some of the thank you notes from the class!

  4. tonialynn59

    I’m with you.  Acts of service is my #1.  Gifts, I think exactly like you do on that.  Not so much on touch although I do like hugs.  Quality time, not a biggie to me.  Words of affirmation are ok.  But acts of service, YES!  Mike’s is words of affirmation.  I had each of my kids figured out at one time but not so sure they are still the same.  Now off to read about BE’s christmas music.

  5. luvmynoah

    Mine has always been Quality time.  I think a close second is Words of Affirmation.

    Shan- Quality time…then words as well. 

    Noah- quality time…gifts

    Titus- not sure…

  6. jessyomama

    Josh’s is Words of Affirmation. (I think) Maybe Acts of Service.

    Mine is Quality Time. I like to do stuff myself. I’m not touchy. When people say nice things about me, it embarrasses me. I like gifts, but not as much as time.

  7. SuperGirlAmelia

    I asked my Mom for the 5 Love Languages for Kids for Christmas! I am definitely Quality Time – so when I saw your list I was like AHHH She forgot the most important one 🙂 So QT has been hard since having kids and when we do get out by ourselves I’m like a dry, cracked sponge soaking it in. Hubby is physical touch. If I walk through the room and don’t acknowledge physically that he is there – with an elbow or a bump of the hip or a hand on the shoulder, he notices. When we were first married, I had to get used to all the slaps on my rear. My response (which 11 years later he beats me to the punch on) is, “I’m NOT A COW!!”

    It’s become pretty clear what Ilana and Titus are – Ilana is gifts. She always wants to know who made this or who gave this to her, and she’ll keep things forever (we’re in trouble!). And she always wants to make things for her friends to give them. Titus is Daddy’s boy and it’s physical touch. He is the best hugger in the world, and if he’s sitting next to you, he has his hand on your leg or on your arm and is patting you or rubbing you.

    Can’t wait to hear how your discussion with the girls goes! Ooh and don’t forget that there are some people who give love one way and receive it another way – my SIL gives love by gifts, but receives it by quality time!

  8. Anonymous

    Girl, our family is so into the 5 love languages that we even have our pets’ figured out. Sad, huh? Mine are quality time and words of affirmation.  Jackson’s appear to be gifts and acts of service. 

  9. MlleBaroque

    Words of affirmation is probably my number one, followed by physical touch, and then gifts.  The gifting never happens anymore (lack of funds) so I substitute Hubby taking us out to dinner.

  10. Abs7

    i just had the love languages conversation with my running buddies a couple weeks ago. i’m definitely a little of each, but gifts, quality time, and acts of service are all super important! maybe i need to re-read the book to narrow it down. i’m pretty sure 3 of 5 isn’t the point

  11. faithchick

    ^i hate when that happens.  i have no idea what my entire comment was.  ugh.

    something like—love me, too because i know that song!! (the gift goes on…)
    and woa is my #1 l.l.

  12. faithchick

    @Marketer319 – 

    and then acts of service, i think.
    touch is at the end of the list b/c i am sooo not a touchy feely person.  Probably to a fault.  Like, I don’t even think ot hug people.  eek.  Matt & the kids are a different story, of coures.  I snuggling w/ them.

    Gabe: (in Brian Regan mode) All favorites! Many much favorites!–LOVE IT!!!!!

  13. jnrobison

    My family and I did the love languages test about a year ago. It was really interesting, because we discovered that out of those of us who took it (Dad, Mom, David, Jordan and I), everyone EXCEPT David has at least one love language that lines up with someone else in the family.
    Example: My mom’s primary and secondary love languages are 1) Acts of Service and 2) Quality Time. My Dad’s and mine are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation; Jordan was (I think) Quality Time and Gifts (though really, what kid doesn’t like gifts?).
    The thing we discovered with David (who we all have a hard time relating to sometimes) is that his love languages don’t really line up with any of ours. (WOW! Talk about a light bulb moment!) David’s L.L.s all scored evenly – he couldn’t really pin a primary one – and even how he expressed those L.L. were different that us.
    Example: Quality Time to my parents and I means sitting on the couch and talking, or playing games together while talking or eating and talking. For David, quality time means spending time DOING something active together- hiking, camping, bowling, etc.
    Anyways – we discovered through that conversation that we (everyone but David) easily express and receive love from each other in similar ways. Whereas David has a more difficult time expressing and receiving love to/from us because he speaks a different language, or a different “dialect” of the same language.
    Here’s another little something I’ve discovered about my L.Ls – I don’t receive and express love in the same languages all the time (which is normally how it works – you express love the way you want to be loved). My L.L.s (in order) are Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Gifts. However, one of the main ways I express love is by getting people little gifts to let them know I was thinking of them. Weird – I’m kinda backwards in my L.L.s

    Whoa. That was long.

  14. OkinawaAna

    Wes and I are both quality time people.  There’s a book by Gary Chapman specifically about children and their love languages.  They’re the same five, but they show themselves a little differently in children and their needs/behaviors.

  15. FlyingCAB

    I’m with Ava – I’ll take all of them.  Or any of them… least important is probably gifts.  And words of affirmation if they aren’t followed through by any of the action ones.

  16. Marketer319

    Oh my gosh, I cannot believe you mentioned a Sandi Patti Christmas CD!  I was just over on BE’s site and was going to reference an old SP album we listened to over and over and over in the car when I was a kid but I totally didn’t think anyone else would get it.  And you would have!  Contented sigh…

    “And the gift goes on….The Father gave the Son.” 

  17. rocknnell

    Genuine words of diving into life…my life , their life, GODs’ Word….but, you know when someone really cares to “discuss, talk…” They don’t have to be ” oh that was great”  but an engaged conversation.

  18. bethelaine

    i’m primarily a gifts person.  but acts of service is a strong second!  steve is a quality time person, so i’ve decided that we should go shopping together more often so that we can get some good quality time while he buys gifts for me. 

    good luck with the pie!  it’s sooooo yummy!  the purpose of the foil is just to keep the edge of the crust from getting too dark.  i actually have a special aluminum “crust protector” that i use when i bake my pies.  but foil works the same way — just take longish strips of foil and wrap it over the edges of the pie plate to protect the crust.  you may have to use a little scotch tape to hold it in place.

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