“You yelled at me,” Ava told me earlier tonight with tears streaming down her face, “and that makes me feel like you don’t love me.”
Break my heart. I walked her upstairs and cuddled with her on my bed, playing with her hair, scratching her back, and saying I’m sorry over and over again.
Today was a crappy day. Ava stayed home sick, and I lost my patience with her more than once. She had no real symptoms, and I was 75% convinced that I should’ve sent her to school. She wanted cuddled and loved, but I had “important” things to do.
I was a no better mother to my other two, and Gabe didn’t get home until after they were in bed, so he wasn’t there to shield them from my lash-outs o’ frustration. Sigh.
I can’t remember the last time I got so much support and encouragement from people as I have in the past couple days (thank you!). So, why am I feeling so sad and scared and depressed and incompetent?
A couple thoughts. Perhaps God’s closing doors. Or evil’s getting uncomfortable because I’m considering following God’s calling amidst lots of personal discomfort. Or maybe it’s because April’s showers brought May downpours. Who knows?
So that’s where I am tonight. Some specifics:
–In the 10 years since I quit teaching, guess how many times I’ve missed teaching. ZERO.
—There are some amazing teachers out there all ready for me to send my children to for free. Remind me again why I’m considering not taking them up on this.
–I had to laugh at the irony tonight of Gabe sitting across our office from me and trying to talk me down off my ledge of “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” He thinks it’s best for our girls. This is the same Gabe who 13 years ago stared at his new bride in horror when she casually mentioned she wanted to homeschool the children they would have someday.
–I mentioned this to a few people in the comments, but I can’t remember if I blogged about it. We’re 90% sure we’ll still send Nina to kindergarten next year. It’s just 2.5 hours in the afternoon, and her teacher is the most AMAZING teacher ever. She’s soooo looking forward to it (“but I want to be homeschooled for first grade, okay, Mommy?) and I think it would be a great opportunity for the older two to have time with just me in the afternoons.
–I’ve chatted with a couple of you about having to let go of some “good” things for a season since no one can do it all. As I think through all the things I’m passionate about and all the projects I’ve started and all the people I care about, I don’t know where to even begin letting some stuff go.
—I am battling some honest-to-goodness heart-racing trepidation about this. I almost lost it tonight. Almost.
—I need to pray about this. FOR REAL. Not just talk about praying about it. Not just toss up little prayers here and there. Not just make everyone else pray about it for me. As soon as I finish this post, God and I are going to talk. I should probably just let him talk.
Again, thanks for all the wisdom and advice and encouragement and prayers. Even if we don’t see eye to eye on things, you’ve been kind and supportive. I can feel the love, and I’m really grateful.
Have a wonderful weekend.