I should be in bed, but I have something on my heart. A lot of somethings. And no way to articulate them. Because they’re all kind of still in liquid form, like jello that just won’t set.
My heart is hurting for Haiti. But I know that it’s not hurting as much as it should be, because I’m kind of holding the whole tragedy at arm’s length. Watching snippets of the news. Giving snippets of money. Praying in snippets. It’s like I’m afraid of how it will overwhelm my heart if I let it all in.
I need to let it all in.
I’m feeling overwhelmed by some needs I’ve had these past couple weeks, and how God has met those needs through people. All sorts of needs, all sorts of people, all sorts of ways.
I’m overwhelmed by some things that are coming up in the next few days. I haven’t blogged about it much (any). I think I feel like I sometimes blab about every little detail of my life, and I’d like to just hold on to some privately for once. But then I remember how much fun it is to have loved ones to share my joys and sorrows and fears with.
So, I don’t know.
I do know that I feel ill-prepared for what’s coming. I feel like my heart isn’t ready.
I want my heart to break for the things that break God’s heart. I want to see people like He sees them. When I speak to a sweet group of women Friday, I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that He does every bit of the talking and touches hearts in deep, deep places.
I don’t want to be worried that I have nothing to wear and my jeans don’t fit and my shoes are old and jewelry looks stupid on me.
Because, see? That means my heart is in the wrong place.
When I meet some wonderful new friends (and some wonderful old friends) this weekend, I don’t want to be thinking about myself and “am I making a good impression?” I want to be thinking about the other person and how I can be a blessing to her.
I want to spend more time praying for hurting people in Haiti and less time focused on this, that, and the other insignificant thing.
I want to surrender completely to God’s will for my day, my week, my life. Instead of trying to fit Him into my flat-rate-box plan.
I don’t want to miss a minute of what God has for me because I was so wrapped up in what I wanted for myself.
Lord, please take my heart and work it like clay. Something’s not right with it, and I want it to be.