hope, heartache, healing, hope (part 3)

Two friends had miscarriages this weekend. My heart hurts for them. It wasn’t the first time for either of them. Jesus, hold them close and bless their wombs again soon.

I’ve been writing out my own story of loss (well, copying it from my journal) here on the blog. It’s been good. Hard, but good. Praying God will use it to touch someone in a special way.

Here’s Part 1 and Part 2, and we’ll pick back up on March 11, 2005.

10:15pm–I feel sad right now–and empty. And my head hurts, and I feel crampy. I think I’m trying to rush this whole recovery thing. I’m tired. I need to take a hint and go to bed.

March 14, 7:30 a.m.–“Don’t count the days. Make the days count.” I read that today, and it sums up my struggle. For 10 months now, I’ve been counting the days until I get pregnant. And now I’m counting the days until June when I can try again. This is just too much time wasted. I want to enjoy each day. How do I do that, Lord, when there is something I want so badly? I can’t do it without your help. The waiting is hard, but it’s nothing compared to so many people–N, A, J, A, T… and in the Bible, Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Elizabeth. God, help me enjoy each day.

Isaiah 26:3–“You will keep in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” I just had a revelation! I can spend time bringing joy to other people–cards, letters, gifts–and not sit around waiting for joy to come to me.

March 20, 7:30 a.m.–Lord, time is passing quickly. And I honestly think I’m making the days count, not just counting the days. Thank you.

March 21, 8:40 p.m–Ava just peed on the potty! She did it 2 or 3 days ago, too. Of her own accord. Slowly, but surely. Could this be it? She also peed on the floor today and all over my pants as I carried her peeing self to the bathroom as fast as I could. She was done by the time I got her on the toilet. Yesterday she peed in my closet.

I just waltzed in front of Gabe in my lingerie top and black pants, but he’s in the middle of an Xbox NASCAR race and couldn’t even look at me, lest he wreck. What a waste.

11:20 p.m.–Okay, so it wasn’t a waste after all. Lord, please bless all those swimming little sperm. I know better than to think my brilliant plan is the same as yours–although sometimes it really does work that way. I just can’t imagine anything better than getting pregnant this week with a healthy little baby.

How many people can say they got pregnant two months in a row? It would be so easy to keep it a secret for 2-3 months, because people don’t expect us to even be trying until then. I know you can do it, God. You did it for J & K. I’m asking you for the same miracle for us, Lord.

If you have more patience to teach me, then I’m all for that. But if you think 10 months and a miscarriage was enough, then I beg you to let us conceive our third-and-final healthy baby within the next week. Does this plea-bargaining annoy you, Lord?

March 23, 10:45 p.m.–This is the second night in a row that Livi and Ava have slept together. I’m not sure if it’s wise or not, but Ava is constantly crying, “I miss my baby sister! I want her to come back!” Being with Livi seems to comfort her.

March 26, 11:55 p.m.–Lord, I’m giving our financial situation over to you. You know what’s up. No tax return. Almost 3x more in taxes this year than last (this self-employment thing is rough). $320 out-of-pocket for one measly blood test. I’m assuming $320 for the second as well. Car insurance coming due. Please provide, God.

I could know about Harvest House and my book tomorrow, but I’m very nervous to find out. Good news would be awesome, but bad news could ruin my life (okay, my day).

March 31, 4:10 p.m.–I just got off the phone with Joy Miller [their 13-year-old son collapsed on the basketball court and died three weeks before]. Wow. She is absolutely amazing. God, you are so good. She was so strong and full of joy and thanking you for helping her through another day. She had a miscarriage seven years ago–on March 10. The same day Christopher died. The same day we lost our baby. She just went on and on about us loving our girls and enjoying each moment with them. Wow. She said she knows you are a good God. There’s not a doubt in her mind. Praise you, God! I got off the phone and just cried. What a testimony. What honor and glory she’s bringing you!

10:10 p.m.–I just got a call from Kimberly at Harvest House.

[Part 4–the finale–tomorrow.]

3 thoughts on “hope, heartache, healing, hope (part 3)

  1. Pingback: Marla Taviano » share love now

  2. Valerie

    You are very brave drudging through these memories… in a way part of me wishes I would’ve kept detailed records through our miscarriages. I remember most of the details for each of the eleven pregnancy losses just not sure I can deal with writing them down. Eleven. It breaks my heart to type that number.

    The only comfort I find is that my babies are with Jesus and loved and looked after by the angels. I had a dream and saw all of our little ones with my grandmother that passed..they all looked happy and at peace.

    Next pregnancy (if there is one) we will be announcing immediately in the hopes that the prayers from others will help them stay to meet us.

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