hope, heartache, healing, hope (part 1)

It’s been fun looking back through old journals and finding silly things to share (and make fun of). Fun until I got to 2005, and a wave of sad memories hit me as I read. It really caught me by surprise. I haven’t thought a lot about that part of my life in quite awhile. I didn’t know the remembering would hurt like that.

In the scheme of things, it wasn’t so bad. Looking back, the waiting wasn’t that long, the loss wasn’t that excruciating, the words I heard my little girl say weren’t that crushing (okay, yes they were). And this year (2012) kind of overshadows it as our family’s awful-est year.

But it was what it was. And it will always be a part of me. And just from posting a small snippet of it on Facebook the other night, I know it’s something that will strike a chord with many. And hopefully, God can use my experience to help someone heal, to find hope.

We’ll start the story two months into 2005, nearly a year after we started trying for Baby #3…

February 27–Five minutes ago, I lifted my hands to God and offered him two things–the two things I want more than anything else right now–a book and a baby. I want to completely surrender those desires to him–and it is hard. I still want them. God, make your will more important in my heart than even a baby and a book contract. Take my will and make it thine. I can’t imagine my life being complete without these two things, but God, you can complete me. If I never have another baby or publish a book, help me find joy and fulfillment in you!

February 28–So, God, how did I do today with giving my book and baby to you? Probably not so great. I still thought about them all day long–and checked my email and my underwear over and over again. This waiting game is TOUGH. It’s building character, right? I feel like if just one of these things works out, it will help buoy me through while I wait for the other one.

I’m trying desperately not to get my hopes up about being pregnant. Haven’t I realized how futile that is–after 10 months of hopes crashing down? Might as well assume I’m not pregnant and then be ecstatically shocked when I find out I am. Why can’t I do that? Every cramp and trickle–real or imagined–sends me spinning. Pregnant? Period? Pregnant? Period?

I know one thing–trying to get pregnant is for the birds! After I conceive and birth this baby, that is it! I am finished! Stick a fork in me! (or stick a knife in Gabe–tee hee). Note to self: after your 3rd baby, if you start to have a craving for one more, NO NO NO NO NO! God, is this why it’s taking so long? So I’ll be sure to be perfectly satisfied with three? I get it! Good–now that I’ve learned that lesson, maybe I’m pregnant.

March 3–Lord, it’s only 9:40pm, and I am exhausted. I pray that it’s because I’m pregnant! Lord, you know how badly I want to be! Tomorrow is a huge day. I may hear from Harvest House–and if I make it through the day with no spotting, I’m buying a pregnancy test Saturday morning.

March 5, midnight–This could very well be the last time I write in this journal before I know for sure I’m pregnant. In six hours, I’ll know. All of a sudden, I feel scared. Pregnant?! Whoa. Lord, if there is a baby growing inside of me, protect that precious little life wholly and completely. I really, really think I’m pregnant this time.


March 5, 1:10pm–I AM PREGNANT.

Praise you, Father. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. My heart is bursting. What a miracle. Your timing is absolute perfection. I’m in complete awe of what you’ve done. Lord, protect this tiny life that is so fresh and new inside of me. Spare me the pain of a miscarriage or tubal pregnancy. I’ll take any sickness or pain that comes, but God, keep my baby healthy and safe.

March 5, 10:25pm–We had so much fun telling people I’m pregnant today. So much for waiting for two months like we did with Ava! My favorite reaction was Po-Po’s (Gabe’s grandpa). Ava told Grandma Marilyn, “Mommy has a baby in her belly,” and before Grandma could say a word, Po-Po said, “What?” Ava repeated it, and Po-Po said, “Oh, kittens?” What in the heck? We finally got it all straightened out. I think. Livi and Ava are soooooo excited.

March 6–Good morning, Lord. My 2nd day of knowing I’m pregnant. I just feel so at peace and content and full of joy. I want to enjoy every single second of this.

March 7–Day #3 of knowing I’m pregnant. Lord, I’m the tiniest bit concerned. I took the 2nd test hoping for a darker line, and it was pretty much the same. It seems like it should be darker by now. What if this means a tubal pregnancy or a miscarriage? Lord, calm my fears, and reassure me that this baby will be born healthy and thriving.

Okay, I read some scripture, and I feel better now. I’m not going to worry about the baby or my book or our taxes. You love me, God!

March 8–Well, Lord, I’ve had more fears–and you’re calming them. At 4:00am, I felt crampy on my lower left side. All I could think was that something’s wrong with the baby. I just kept praying and praying for the Spirit to give me peace and for Satan to get away from me.

March 9, 9:45pm–Lord, I can’t really see through my tears. This is so hard. I’ve been bleeding for about three hours now. And cramping, throbbing. Oh God, help me...

9 thoughts on “hope, heartache, healing, hope (part 1)

  1. Pingback: Marla Taviano » hope, heartache, healing, hope (part 3)

  2. Pingback: Marla Taviano » hope, heartache, healing, hope (part 2)

  3. kendal

    you are so courageous – to read through your journals (i hate rereading mine) and then to share. your heart is precious. i know that this series will bless so many women.

  4. Krista

    I simply cannot wait to get to heaven! We lost our little one just 3 weeks before we lost my sister. The thought of HER loving on that baby in the presence of our Lord and Savior makes me cry like a baby (nearly) 7 years later. God is good every single day. Every. Single. Day. I daily pray He returns. I can’t wait to be with Him and to meet our little one.

  5. Jennifer Martinez

    I have been there more times that I would like to recount. I understand the pain of wanting nothing more than to be a parent and to think that gift is finally going to happen after years of trying only for it not. It’s crazy how you can become numb to the heartache of being told “I’m sorry we can’t find the heartbeat, this is no longer a viable pregnancy.” then how you can just walk in a zombie like trance through the hospital where you are taken the the labor and delivery (how incredibly CRUEL) section to have a D&C. Hearing all the babies crying and knowing you will be walking out empty handed again. The only thing I can say for certain is through all of our losses including losing our son at 22 weeks has made me not only a stronger person, but a better parent! It is crushing but it has made me appreciate every temper tantrum we have gone through (maybe not in that exact moment but when looking back). Thank you for being brave enough to speak out, there are so many families who have dealt with this trauma that keep everything inside or don’t have anyone they feel can really understand!

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