help my unbelief

I just have to keep praying that over and over. I have to believe (since it’s straight from the Bible) that it’s a prayer God will answer and honor.  I’m just not sure right now how to know if/when it’s been answered.

Will I feel like I believe? Or can I just act like I believe? And by act, I don’t mean pretend. I mean show my belief by my actions.

Here’s the scoop. This has been a tough year. If you’ve been around this here blog for any/all of it, you know what I mean. The heart attack, Cambodia, the anxiety, the bills.

I’ve seen miracles, people. Flat-out, unexplainable miracles. The fact that our house payment and health insurance premium (and most/some) of our other bills get paid each month is nothing short of a miracle. I’m not being dramatic either.

So, why? Why why why why WHY do I keep falling prey to fear and doubt?? Why can I not sit back, relax, and say, “Let’s see what you’ve got planned for this week, God! This is gonna be good!”

Why is this a daily (hourly, minute-by-minute) battle for me? Why do I lose the fight pretty much multiple times every single day?

I. Hate. It.

I want to be a woman of strong, strong, unshakeable faith, and the fact that I’m not is driving me to tears.

I’m gonna turn the comments off, because I don’t want you to feel like you have to tell me that I AM strong. And I’ll admit, I’m also turning them off, because I also don’t really want to hear that I’m a failure for not trusting.

Feeling raw and would just like one thing today: your prayers. I know I can count on you, friends, and I’m so thankful.