Dear Friends at New Hope Minnesota,

I’ll warn you. I’m tired, I’m emotional, and I’ve already cried once tonight because of you. I’m also super hesitant to take something as sacred as what happened this weekend and risk cheapening it by trying to put it into words. But I promised you a post, so I’d better follow through.

Ladies, can I say a word to you first? For starters, you girls rocked my world Thursday night. Do you have any idea how encouraging and affirming all your laughs and head-nods and questions and comments were to me? I’ve given that sex talk a lot a lot a lot of times, but I don’t know that I’ve EVER been so overwhelmed by a group’s enthusiastic response. THANK YOU for letting me be so honest and for loving me for who I am.

And girls? You know how you promised to pray for me as I spoke to your husbands? Because of YOU, God showed up and filled me with his Spirit and poured out his power and love and grace all over me and over your precious husbands. And I do mean precious. And while I’m sure that’s the last word they’d want me to use to describe them, it fits.

Wives, oh how I wish you could’ve been there. I wish each of you could’ve experienced just for 15 minutes what I got to be a part of this weekend. Your husbands love you, friends. And they desperately want to know and love you better. Some of them are having a really tough time being the husbands they know they need to be, but they want it so badly. And they left the camp this afternoon with renewed determination to be the husband you’ve always dreamed of having.

Thank you, friends, for trusting me with your men. They treated me with kindness and respect and encouraged me over and over and over again with their willingness to be candid and vulnerable about their struggles and weaknesses. And I learned a lot about so many of YOU, because your husbands like to talk about you. In the very best, edifying and uplifting kind of way.

THANK YOU.

Your turn, guys. Wow. What can I even say? My stomach gets all twisted up in knots every time I think about what God did this weekend. I feel so humbled and honored that it almost hurts. I’m hoping you already know this, but anything good or helpful that came out of my mouth was ALL GOD and anything not-so-great? I take all the blame.

In all honesty, I’m not really sure who that girl was that got up in front of all 170 of you and talked about sex and stuff four different times for an hour. And like I told you, it had nothing to do with being brave. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and he filled me up good. Praise him.

You will never know how you touched my heart with your hearts for God and your deep love for your wives and your willingness to admit that you need help when it comes to loving them like Christ loves the church. And you were such perfect gentlemen and so, so kind to let me intrude on your man space. The fact that my tough, strong husband got choked up when he tried to thank you speaks volumes to your awesomeness.

It’s going to take us awhile to get over you guys. You made God and Minnesota proud.

I could write for another hour, but it’s probably a miracle that you’ve even made it this far, so I’ll close with this:

Father God, I ask you tonight to bless the men and women of New Hope Church. I can never hope to repay them for the blessings they gushed all over me and Gabe this weekend, so will you do it? Will you bless them with strength and wisdom and patience and courage and the kind of love for their husbands and wives that can only come from you? Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jesus! I love you. Amen.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Marla (for Gabe)

p.s. Here are some Discussion Starters (aka, Mandatory Homework) for you to chat about as a couple (pick one, two, all, add your own…):

1. What is one thing I do that makes you feel loved?
2. What is something I’ve done that was hurtful to you?
3. What was your biggest take-away from your weekend (or Thursday night)?
4. What is one way you think we could grow closer to God as a couple?
5. What do you think your primary love language is? What do you think mine is?
6. Why are the Vikings so terrible?
7. What 3 things do you love most about me?
8. What’s one thing I could do to show you I’m dead serious about loving you well?
9. How many pairs of underwear should I take to the cabin next weekend?
10. Can we pray together?

After much exciting discussion with Gabe over the weekend (we spent 60 beautiful childless hours in NC, VA, and WV), I’ve decided to:

1.) Write the Husbands’ Sex Book as an e-book for sure and for certain.

2.) Churn it out as quickly as I can.

3.) Spread the word about it to the best of my ability.

4.) Ask/plead/beg all of you for your help and prayers.

Details tomorrow. Today is Write-As-Furiously-As-I-Can Day.

I. Am. So. Excited.

Praying as I write this post that my words will be carefully chosen and full of grace. I don’t want to hurt or offend. And I desperately want God to be glorified.

Deep breath. And dive.

So I’m writing another book about sex. And this one’s for the husbands. I’m going to tell you what I originally envisioned and explain what’s putting a kink in those plans.

I like funny. And I’m semi-gifted at making people laugh. My humor is a large part of what sells my books, brings people to my blog, and motivates people to invite me to speaking engagements. I’m sure I’d still be fairly likable without it, but it would really change the core of who I am.

There are a lot of books out there about sex. Is That All He Thinks About? is just one of them. What “sets mine apart,” if you will, is the humor (and perhaps my transparency). And I wanted that same thing for the Guys’ Book. Funny, light-hearted, candid, poking a little fun at both sexes, using humor in a sneaky way to convict husbands to love their wives a little better than they’re doing now.

And then I conducted a Husband Survey. And asked a question about porn. Specifically, “What is your relationship with pornography, and how has this affected your marriage?”

And the floodgates opened.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the Survey-Takers were in no way whatsoever an accurate cross-section of American Husbands. For one thing, they’re probably mostly Christians (or at least married to one). For another, any guy who takes 5-10 minutes to fill out a survey like that is pretty swell (or is at least trying to appease his nagging wife).

And still. STILL. 42% of the 125 guys who took the survey said they either a.) view porn occasionally (26%), b.) are working with their wife and/or others to overcome an addiction (10%), or c.) are addicted to porn right now (7%).

An additional 40% viewed it in the past (10 of those 50 guys said they were addicted).

Only 18 of 125 guys said, “I don’t mess with it (and never really have).”

And while a couple guys’ responses made my blood boil, for the most part, I could hear a lot of discouragement and hurt and a longing to be free in their words. And in many cases, the hope shone through. Hope for recovery and restoration and beautiful intimacy with their wives.

Nearly all of the men recognized that porn has a negative effect on their marriages, and they were very good at pinpointing what those effects are.

For a little while there, I was feeling really good about the section of my book that deals with porn. Where I had originally laid the smack down with very little mercy, I felt a nudge to shower my words with more grace, to put myself in the shoes of some of these really good guys who were in the middle of a struggle they desperately wished was not a part of their lives.

And then.

E-mails and facebook messages started coming in from women whose marriages (or friends’ marriages) have been devastated by porn. A couple of them specifically asked me if I was going to go easy on guys or if I had any idea that some men out there are arrogant and prideful and refuse to admit that they’ve destroyed their families’ lives.

Man.

Here’s the thing.  There are lots and lots of books out there specifically for men and sexual addiction. I have no desire (or the knowledge/experience) to reinvent that wheel.

And here’s another thing. I learned this with Is That All? I can’t write a book that will appeal/apply to everyone. I had women ask me why I didn’t write more about what happens to your sex life as you age. And women who were angry that I suggested making love to your husband happily (“You have no idea how bad my husband has hurt me!”).

I can’t write a book that’s going to work for all husbands either.

So here’s the one I’m going for:

A good guy who loves his wife and wants an intimate relationship with her. He struggles with lust, sure, but he wants his wife to be enough for him, and he reeeeally wants her to want him in bed. He loves Jesus (or if he doesn’t, he’s got him on his radar) and wants to live a life pleasing to God. He’s often discouraged and frustrated by his wife’s lack of desire for sex, and he wishes she knew how much her rejection hurts him. He’s willing to go the extra mile to make their sex life better. He just needs someone to tell him what that entails. And preferably using short paragraphs and small words. And possibly pictures.

But I really, really don’t want to make light of something that has hurt so many women (and men) so deeply. And I don’t want to write with such a happy-go-lucky tone that completely ignores the complicated, complex issues that plague so many marriages.

Maybe I’m just asking for permission to write a funny (and God-honoring) book about sex without any dear soul getting her feelings hurt.

I would really love your prayers for wisdom and insight. I’ve had some really amazing discussions with some of you (in real life and online), and Gabe and I have talked more about it in the past week than we have our whole marriage.

And if you have another take on this thing (or something that really concerns you), please feel free to leave a comment (or e-mail me if it’s private).

Thank you. For real. Thank you.

Thank you SO MUCH, men, for helping me out with the Husband Survey. I have 114 now, so I’m good, but if you’d still like to fill one out, I certainly won’t stop you.

And an extra thank you to Shaun Groves, Gary Thomas, Richard Westley Johnson, and Gabe Taviano for spreading the word about it (your names were all answers to Question #11–How did you find out about this survey?). Thank you, my brothers (and awesome husband).

My apologies if you came here to read about homeschooling. That discussion’s not over by any stretch. I just have a hard time sticking to one topic for more than three minutes at a time. Who knows–tomorrow I may talk about gardening (seriously).

Anyway. Back to husbands and sex. I think I mentioned that the survey answers are amazing. And that I’ve got my work cut out for me. We’ve got some hard stuff to work through–and some really fun stuff too.

As a thank-you to the wives who “gently nudged” their husbands to fill out a survey, here’s a smattering of the guys’ answers to Question #10:

What do you love most about your wife?

She has a great sense of humor and is one of the smartest people I know.

She understands who I am and loves me despite it.

Her eyes–they vary in green color and are quite striking.

Her heart to serve people.

Her skin, her smile, her body shape, her neck… (I could go on, but I won’t see my wife until late tonight after a long day at work. Ya dig?)

She is my best friend.

Her body.

That she’s smart–even when it doesn’t bode well for me.

The unconditional love she has shown me. She is faithful and always will be.

Her quirks, her loyalty, her sacrifice, her appearance. To me, she’s the perfect balance of everything.

When she laughs and is happy.

That her strengths line up with my weaknesses.

We’re the same kind of crazy.

She loves God and is resilient.

Her innocence and playfulness.

She makes me want to be a better man–not by telling me to be so, but by believing in me and what I could be.

She has a joy that is contagious.

That she loves me and puts up with me and wants to be married to me forever, even when I disappoint her. Who does that?

Kudos to you, wives! Your men love you–and for a million and one kinds of reasons. More good stuff to come! As a thank-you to both you and your hubbies, let’s do a little give-away.

I have THREE copies of Is That All He Thinks About? to give away to the wife of any guy who filled out the Husband Survey (and you can still fill it out if you haven’t already). Just leave a comment on this post saying either:

1. I’m a married dude and filled out the survey.

OR

2. I’m the wife of a dude who filled out the survey.

And if you both want to leave a comment, you’ll be entered twice. How’s that for fun? (U.S. addresses only. I’ll draw the winners randomly on Wednesday, May 25.)

You can read the first chapter of Is That All He Thinks About? here. I’ll keep you updated on my progress on the Guys’ Book. And if you’d like to pray for me as I write? That would be AWESOME.

Have a great week!

Here’s the deal. Four years ago, I wrote a book called Is That All He Thinks About? (How to Enjoy Great Sex with Your Husband). It’s for women (obviously), and I never really had any intention of writing a companion book for men.

Men don’t read. (okay, most men don’t read)

But then I got a bunch of e-mails from men specifically requesting a guys’ version of the book.

So I’m writing my first comic book. (not really)

I just have a strong desire to help bridge the disconnect between husbands and wives and our view on sex (and how that plays out in our marriages).

A couple months ago I started writing to see what I could come up with. Then I got really excited about it. Then I wrote a whole bunch. Then I hit a wall. Then I decided that what the book really needed was some input from the husbands themselves (concept, huh?).

Hence this survey.

As of 9:03 a.m. Friday, 63 guys have filled it out and sent it to me anonymously. And they’re BLOWING ME AWAY. Out of 63, I’d say maybe 2-3 have been completely unhelpful. And some have just been flat-out amazing. Some are heart-breaking. And nearly all of them have been honest and thoughtful.

Women, I know this is a random sampling of 63 guys, and I know that any guy who takes the time to fill out a survey is already kind of special, but hear me on this. Your husbands genuinely love you and want to please you and are willing to make sacrifices to make this happen.

This little project will most likely become an e-book that you can buy online and read from your computer/Kindle/phone. It might possibly be a book you can hold in your hands with actual pages. We’ll see. (While you’re waiting, go ahead and read the Wife’s Book. Enlightening, I tell you.)

Guys, I really, really, really appreciate your help. If you could pass this on to your friends, that would be awesome. The more the merrier.

Married men–click here to take the survey (10 questions, easy answers, painless, anonymous, maybe even fun). Thanks!