My middle baby turns 9 today. I’m not exactly sure how this happened. It seems like just a couple weeks ago she was heading off to big, bad kindergarten.

And now she’s a FOURTH GRADER. I keep telling her and telling her to stop growing up, but does she listen? NO, SHE DOES NOT. Sigh.

NINE (out of a million) Things I Love About AVA:

1. She has a little mama’s heart. If there is a baby or child within 200 feet of Ava, she’s drawn to the thing like a magnet. Ava is happiest when she’s got a baby in her arms or a toddler on her hip. And littles LOVE her.

2. She gets very, very excited about things. I love her enthusiasm. Love it. It’s so much fun to surprise her with ideas and activities and little gifts. She’s bubbly and passionate, and her reaction is always a joy.

3. She’s a natural. While she can be shy sometimes, she’s got this natural, I’m-so-comfortable-in-my-own-body thing that I admire like crazy. Every item of clothing she tries on fits her, and she can pull off any outfit. She moves in such a free and easy way, without a hint of awkwardness–on the soccer field, dancing when she thinks no one’s watching… love it.

4. She keeps her parents humble. If it weren’t for the frequent “moments” Ava and I (and her daddy) share, we might be oh-so-tempted to be prideful of her amazing-ness and beauty. I have shed more tears (and not the happy kind) over this girl than my other two combined, but the oh-so-hard moments make the wonderful ones that much sweeter.

5. She loves Cambodia. Oh, that girl can’t wait to get across the world and love on some kiddos face-to-face that she already loves heart-to-heart. She’s always telling me how she just can’t wait until December and she’ll do whatever she needs to do to get us there.

6. She’s low-maintenance. Well, in the sense that it doesn’t take much to make her happy. The Cosby Show on Netflix and unlimited supply of ice pops, and she’s good to go.

7. She wears her heart on her sleeve. She never makes me guess how she feels about something. She’s more than willing to give me an earful whether I asked for it or not.

8. She’s got her own drummer. Ava’s typically not too concerned with what everyone else likes or what they’re doing. She’s comfortable in her own skin and marches to her own beat.

9. She’s beautiful inside and out. I love those long, blond locks and her smattering of freckles. Her pretty smile and those blue, blue eyes. Her long, lean body and cute little (big) toes. And she’s got a heart to match.

We love you, Ava! And I know you’re soooo excited about your birthday! Off to put up the birthday banner right now! Tomorrow is a shopping trip, picking up Nia and Emily, swimming, your favorite taco pizza from Eagle’s, opening gifts, making ice cream cake, and lots and lots of giggling and squealing!

We’re so glad you’re in our family! We’re so, so blessed!

Love, Mommy, Daddy, Livi, and Nina

p.s. In honor of Ava’s b-day, The Husband’s Guide to Getting Lucky is just $2.99 ALL DAY (and today ONLY)!

EDIT (10:12am): Ava only sprained her arm. Thank you, Jesus. Made lots of calls this a.m. and decided to take her back to the same ER. Walked in to find ZERO people in the waiting room (last night there were 40+ with a line out the door). In and out in an hour. THANK YOU for praying!! She’s super tired, emotional, and in some pain, so we’re going to lay low with the Cosby Show on Netflix. Please pray for quick healing (and that I’ll be a patient and loving mama). Thank you!!

Ava might have maybe broken her arm. We’ll know tomorrow. I took her to the ER tonight at 10:30, and there was a line coming out the door, and all the seats in the waiting room were filled. I said to the nurse who was registering us, “Busy night, huh?” and she said, “Yeah, you’re looking at a five-hour wait. At least.”

Um.

I knew I shouldn’t have let the guy with the bleeding head cut in front of us in line.

So we came back home, and I’m trying to help Ava get comfortable enough to sleep. Please pray for her. And for the rest of us too. It’s been a rough night.

Thanks!

Our girls get 95% of their clothes/shoes from the thrift store, and they’re cool with this. (They don’t really have a say in the matter unless they want to go get a job.) Gabe’s mom will buy them shoes occasionally, and we got them both running shoes at the beginning of the school year, but that’s it.

The older two really wanted some Converse shoes a couple months ago (their PayLess knock-offs have been worn to shreds), and Mom and Dad said yes, so we went shoe shopping. Three stops later, we’d exhausted all our options but the mall, and it was 9:00 on a school night and everything was closed, so we headed home while the girls sang the blues.

Gabe looked on Target.com and found the shoes they wanted for $19.99 and free shipping. But they didn’t have Livi’s size in the turquoise ones she wanted. They told us they update the site every Sunday, so we waited. Still no size 5. Waited another week. Nope. She decided on Paprika. (Ava got red, Nina purple).

About 10 days later (after 5 days of “why aren’t our shooooooooes heeeeeeeeeere yet?”), the box arrived. Purple size 12. Red size 4. Paprika size… 6. Wrong size. Livi started crying. And lamenting the unfairness of her sisters wearing their shoes while she didn’t have hers.

After some initial balking, Ava and Nina decided it wouldn’t be fair if they wore them before Livi did. They’d wait.

Called Target. They apologized. I needed to print out a label, package up the shoes, take them to the P.O. and they’d send me the right pair. “Are you going to give me anything for my trouble?” I asked. “Yeah,” the lady said, “the right pair of shoes.” Nice.

On the Customer Service Evaluation form, I wrote out a sob story of Livi’s tears and she told me she’d send me a $15.00 gift card.

Over a week later, Livi’s box arrives. We tear it open. My jaw drops. Paprika size SIX. AGAIN. She cries again. I call Target. After a big run-around, they figure out the problem. There are no size fives. When you click “size five” it automatically gives you size six. The guy told me they had size 5 in blue. I talked to Livi. She said okay. A week to 10 more days, they said.

Another evaluation form. They told me they’d send me a $10 credit to Target.com. “I don’t want a credit,” I said. “I don’t really want to shop at Target.com again anytime soon.” They said they’d send me a $10 gift card.

I still haven’t seen these gift cards. But Livi and I had a really good talk about hope deferred and waiting on things and how God’s plan is awesome even when it seems like it stinks. I likened it to having a book proposal rejected and waiting on a publisher to say yes. You know, philosophical stuff like that.

And every time we walk in or out our front door, the purple and red shoes sit there and taunt us. But bless Ava and Nina’s hearts, they haven’t asked once in the past 3-4 weeks if they can wear their shoes already. And now they won’t even get to wear them before school’s out.

So Gabe and I were driving to Charlotte, NC this afternoon and we got a call from Livi (the girls are staying with Gabe’s mom at our house). “My shoes came!” she said. “And they’re size five (then another word I couldn’t understand)!”

“Size five/six??”

“Size five ____ (same unintelligible word)!”

“What?! I can’t understand you!”

“Size 5 INFANTS! They fit in my hand!!”

I didn’t want to believe her. I begged her to tell me she was pulling my chain. She wasn’t.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “Are you laughing or crying?”

She was laughing.

“As soon as Mommy and Daddy get back, we’ll take you to Target to get you some shoes,” I said. (the reason we didn’t do that in the first place was because she wanted weird colors they didn’t carry in the store–we’re out of options now though)

Gabe called Target.com from the mountains of Virginia and asked to speak to a manager. After waiting for 5 minutes, he lost the call. Tried again, spoke to a manager for 5 minutes, lost the call again.

So we gave up.

I just got another one of those evaluation forms in my e-mail. I’m going to take a deep breath, say a prayer, and then share the gospel or something.

After dinner tonight, Gabe suggested we go on a family photo walk to the Metro Gardens. Nina and I went yesterday (Monday) and saw two snakes, two turtles, and a slew of frogs, and Gabe was in the mood for some wildlife shots.

As we were piling in the van, a little girl across the street just about got hit by a car chasing the bouncy ball that had gotten away from her. Gabe turned to the girls, “That’s how I got hit by a car when I was eight. I was chasing after a ball and didn’t look both ways.”

As we drove down the street, the girls were discussing how tragic that would have been if Daddy had gotten killed.

“If Daddy would have died, I wouldn’t be here,” Ava said.

“Is that all you can think about?” I asked. “What about Daddy?”

“If Daddy would’ve been killed,” Nina said, “then Ava wouldn’t be born, because Mommy and Daddy couldn’t have insects.”

I’ll let her comment sink in for a few seconds, because that’s how long it took me to realize what she meant. And it took every last drop of my willpower to respond to her without laughing.

“Do you mean SEX?” I said.

“Yeah, sex,” she said, sheepishly.

Her older sisters started HOWLING. Ava had tears in her eyes she was laughing so hard. And if there’s one thing Nina can’t hack, it’s her sisters laughing at her when she’s not trying to be funny.

So she started wailing.

And Gabe reprimanded Livi and Ava.

And I sat there biting the inside of my lip and looking out the window.

The whole time we were at the Metro Gardens, “insects” kept popping into my head, and I could grin freely because no one knew the real reason.

On the way out, we grabbed a Park Scope magazine, and Nina perused it from her booster seat. “Look at these frogs, Mommy,” she said. “They’re on top of each other.”

Mating wood frogs, the caption read. How appropo.

I grinned at her. “That’s because they’re having insects.”

(Speaking of insects, I’ll be drawing 3 winners for a copy of Is That All He Thinks About? at 8:30am EST. Check back to see if you won!)

EDIT (9:00am): And the WINNERS are Jeni, Andy, and Michelle!! I’ll e-mail you! Woohoo!!

“You yelled at me,” Ava told me earlier tonight with tears streaming down her face, “and that makes me feel like you don’t love me.”

Break my heart. I walked her upstairs and cuddled with her on my bed, playing with her hair, scratching her back, and saying I’m sorry over and over again.

Today was a crappy day. Ava stayed home sick, and I lost my patience with her more than once. She had no real symptoms, and I was 75% convinced that I should’ve sent her to school. She wanted cuddled and loved, but I had “important” things to do.

I was a no better mother to my other two, and Gabe didn’t get home until after they were in bed, so he wasn’t there to shield them from my lash-outs o’ frustration. Sigh.

Moving on.

I can’t remember the last time I got so much support and encouragement from people as I have in the past couple days (thank you!). So, why am I feeling so sad and scared and depressed and incompetent?

A couple thoughts. Perhaps God’s closing doors. Or evil’s getting uncomfortable because I’m considering following God’s calling amidst lots of personal discomfort. Or maybe it’s because April’s showers brought May downpours. Who knows?

So that’s where I am tonight. Some specifics:

–In the 10 years since I quit teaching, guess how many times I’ve missed teaching. ZERO.

–There are some amazing teachers out there all ready for me to send my children to for free. Remind me again why I’m considering not taking them up on this.

–I had to laugh at the irony tonight of Gabe sitting across our office from me and trying to talk me down off my ledge of “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” He thinks it’s best for our girls. This is the same Gabe who 13 years ago stared at his new bride in horror when she casually mentioned she wanted to homeschool the children they would have someday.

–I mentioned this to a few people in the comments, but I can’t remember if I blogged about it. We’re 90% sure we’ll still send Nina to kindergarten next year. It’s just 2.5 hours in the afternoon, and her teacher is the most AMAZING teacher ever. She’s soooo looking forward to it (“but I want to be homeschooled for first grade, okay, Mommy?) and I think it would be a great opportunity for the older two to have time with just me in the afternoons.

–I’ve chatted with a couple of you about having to let go of some “good” things for a season since no one can do it all. As I think through all the things I’m passionate about and all the projects I’ve started and all the people I care about, I don’t know where to even begin letting some stuff go.

–I am battling some honest-to-goodness heart-racing trepidation about this. I almost lost it tonight. Almost.

–I need to pray about this. FOR REAL. Not just talk about praying about it. Not just toss up little prayers here and there. Not just make everyone else pray about it for me. As soon as I finish this post, God and I are going to talk. I should probably just let him talk.

Again, thanks for all the wisdom and advice and encouragement and prayers. Even if we don’t see eye to eye on things, you’ve been kind and supportive. I can feel the love, and I’m really grateful.

Have a wonderful weekend.