But I can’t. Of the five of us who have melted down today, only one (me) is at that special time of the month. I suppose my hormones are powerful enough to rub off on everybody else, but I’m not accepting blame today.
Instead, I’m swiping away my tears and taking the opportunity to give anyone who cares a peek into our life at the moment. Our happy-go-lucky missionary life.
I don’t want your pity (I’m too prideful for that). I don’t want your Bible verses (I just read the whole book of Mark in one sitting). And I certainly don’t want your advice (I’m doing a perfectly good job of failing miserably all by myself, thank you).
Are you sure you want to keep reading?
Today is the first day of Khmer New Year. (Happy New Year!) It’s the biggest holiday of the year here in Cambodia. Most people leave the city to visit family in the villages, to offer sacrifices to gods (according to Buddhist beliefs, a new angel arrives in power), to eat and party and enjoy each other.
We stayed here. A get-away isn’t in the budget (and by budget, I mean, we raise/make $, spend it, raise/make some more). It’s okay. I didn’t really feel like going anywhere anyway. I don’t feel like getting out of this papa-san chair. Yes, I’m a sweaty mess, but I’m kind of getting used to it. (Okay, I kid you not. Nina just walked over and said, “Do you want me to put a fan on you?” and did. I hate it when people are nice to me when I’m trying to be in a funk.)
So far, the city isn’t as ghost-townish as people told us it would be. We heard that the stores would all be closed, so we stocked up on pasta & spaghetti sauce, eggs, bread & peanut butter, rice & vegetables, snacks. Lots of stuff is open though. It’s kind of like Y2K all over again.
Our girls have been a mess today. One in particular whom I will not name. Holy cow. Her dad took her for a moto ride early this morning before the rest of us got up, and I was hoping her love tank might have been filled for awhile. But nope. She’s bored to tears and annoying the heck out of EVERYONE. Over and over and over I’ve broken up fights and arguments today.
I washed an overflowing sink full of dishes, made lunch, and want to cry at the brand-new overflowing sink full of dishes.
The smallest things make me feel like my life is a hopeless disaster, that everything will always be hard and everyone has forgotten about us, that I can never make this family work functionally. ETC ETC ETC.
Things I Want to Mope About/Pout Over: (in random order)
- Since we got our p.o. box almost two months ago, we’ve gotten one package. One. It seemed like so many people were so excited to send us something, but I guess not. Maybe it’s too expensive. Or maybe all the packages got lost.
- Our girls have no friends their age. We’re together All. The. Time. I don’t know how to fix this.
- Food stresses me out. I hate cooking. It’s hot. It takes forever. Eating out is starting to get old too. There are only so many places we can walk to. And walking in 100-degree weather is hot. I wish we could just stop eating.
- It’s frustrating that we’re 11 hours ahead of everyone back home. We have very small windows of time when we can communicate live with people. We get up at 6:30am and leave for school at 8:00. I use that time for getting ready & hanging out with God. When we get home at 12:30, it’s 1:30 am for everyone in the U.S. When they wake up, they head to work/school/whatever. That’s our evening, but then people are busy. Sigh.
- Support-raising is stressing me out. I kind of want to throw in the towel and just write/edit for $ instead (which I’m actually doing, which is part of why I don’t have time/energy to share our ministry).
- I’m falling behind in Khmer school (nothing big, just have a lot of vocab I haven’t memorized), because I’m too hot/tired to study.
- I want to chop my hair all off, but I’m scared. I love pulling it back in a bun, easy-peasy, everyday, but I feel like a 50-year-old missionary marm.
- (Man, my problems are really rough, aren’t they?)
- (This is part of why I’m writing them out. So I can see how ridiculous most of them are.)
- Just when our family dynamics start to fall into place and get really awesome, something hits the fan.
- I don’t know how to make everyone happy. Or even half of them. Or even anyone really.
- The ATM dispense $100 bills, so every other day or so I’m at the corner store with a $100 bill buying some random groceries so I can get change to pay our tuk-tuk driver & buy fruit/veggies at the market. Every time I use one I feel very white & privileged & rich & yucky.
- Nobody comments on my blog anymore. Do I suck? Am I boring?
- God and I have been talking/working through some things (mostly about how we interpret the Bible & how Christians treat gay people). I feel compelled to share my thoughts online, and the backlash has been exhausting. Also, the slave-to-fear side of me says, “This is not the time to rock the boat, sister. When you’re trying to raise support, you should be making friends, not enemies.”
- Ants. Everywhere. Even on my toothbrush.
Well, I think that’s enough for now. It feels like this post isn’t complete unless I count my blessings, but I think I’m going to go do that privately with Jesus. Toodles!